


mortem vocat cum destituta oculos

by CEO_of_TOES



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, But also, F/F, First Kisses, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Holding Hands, Homophobia, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I will update the tags as The story progresses, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lumity, Suicide mention, and she is also nice, follows a similar story, have yall ever watched "i want to eat your pancreas"?, i ABSOLUTELY love putting titles in latin, it ends with heart emojiis, lilth is a goth science teacher, no there is no major character death, the eda x camilia comes later in the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26390599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CEO_of_TOES/pseuds/CEO_of_TOES
Summary: It's a regular day when Luz is assigned to work on a science project with her class mate Amity.It's still a regular day when Luz discovers the imminent death of her classmate Amity.It's somewhat still a regular day when Luz makes a oath to give to her class mate Amity the best time of her life.
Relationships: Amity Blight & Willow Park & Gus Porter, Amity Blight/Luz Noceda, Eda Clawthorne/Camilia Noceda, Luz Noceda & Everyone, Luz Noceda & Willow Park & Gus Porter
Comments: 28
Kudos: 178





	1. descovering the suffering

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of what i hope are at least five chapters. Updated weekly,most likely on monday.

To the cafeteria!! Time for friends!! Time for the peanut butter sandwich !!

Bam!

“Hey !Watch out where you are stepping weirdo!” exclaimed the girl that was now in front of Luz on the ground , thanks to the fall.

The name of the blue haired girl was Amity and sometimes she could be a a bit mean ,but Luz still helped her rearrange all her books that fell on the floor because they accidentally colluded. The dark brown haired girl should have been maybe a little more attentive ,as to avoid the accidental mess that she caused, but now she could nothing more than apologise and continue her school day in a regular way, hoping that Amity would do the same and not feel anger for this small accident. 

After the small “incident” nothing stopped the girl from going to the cafeteria. 

Luz wasn’t a fan of the lunch time for the food, but mostly because she could meet up with her friends and hear what they did in class. Gus was complaining about the horrible joke the history teacher made, but Luz didn’t mind, it was cool having friends and the feeling part of a group that genuinely loved her felt nice, after the middle school years she was really scared of how she was going to handle the “high school” life, but somehow she made some friends and she was studying subjects that were genuinely interesting ,if not fascinating.

She glanced then at one particular table, the one where Amity sat with her friends . She didn’t look too happy, or even interested in her aquitances, she seemed almost bored of them, but maybe Luz was looking too hard ,hoping to find a reason to befriend the girl. For some her determination to make the mean and cold girl a friend was too much , but that was just how Luz brain was wired, completely and utterly full of love. (in a no homo kind of way) (right?)

For a second their eyes met, so Luz smiled ,but Amity just blushed and looked away. Maybe it wasn’t polite from Luz part to stare at a girl that just wanted to eat her lunch, that was why she blushed. (obliviously there were no other reason)

“Luz! Luz! On which planet did you lose yourself? Are you good?” asked Willow, the “mom” friend. From their first meeting she showed her caring self. Willow was pretty cool, no amount of suffering could shadow the warmth in her heart, no matter what dramatic thing happened to her she was still supportive and nice, always.  
“Mh.. I was.. you know thinking? About stuff.. yeah” was the absolutely eloquent answer.

They laughed. (and Luz felt a pair of eyes staring in her direction)( maybe it was just an impression)

Lunch break also ended, it was time to go to class. Next period was science.

The teacher was waiting the class with a box covered with a cloth on the desk.  
“Good morning class! Today I am very proud to announce that we have an official class pet. Here it is, his name is King, you will have a week each to take care of him! Do not, and I can’t absolutely stress this enough don’t kill him. Please .”said mrs.Lilith Clawthorne as she proceded to remove the clothfrom the box,that was in fact a cage. Inside was a small hamster. (a bit ugly )(it wasn’t Luz that thought this.. it was the idea of the writer that made too many jokes about femboys , so me)

All the class looked very interested in the ball of fur, even Amity’s bored expression changed. (not for too long) (Luz wasn’t staring at all ,right?)

“This week the lucky one who gets to take care of the rodent is ..Leon! Make sure to take care of the ball of fur adequately ,he needs to be fed thrice a day everyday, you must change the water and change his litter daily. Oh.. I almost forgot that love isn’t optional ,King is meant to be loved.” The last part sounded quite threatening from the teacher that looked as if she was having her goth phase .

After that mrs. Clawthorne started explaining the importance of the ambient of the organisms in their development. The concept of adaptability is fundamental as to understand the world we live in.  
A penguin can’t live in the desert, they have adapted to a completely different life, it made sense .  
(did that apply also to humans? If all your life you are taught that anger is the solution could one still be kind?)

“Last time you did a group projects It was phenomenal , you all did some fantastic work and I wish that this could happen yet again, so I am going to give you a partner that I think could have some interesting and different outlook for each and everyone of you”

Luz mind was full of glee! Group projects are a great way of making friends! There was nothing as cool as loving and being loved back!

Her name was one of the last being called and she was partner with no other than Amity !Very cool ! (Amity didn’t seem to share the same enthusiasm ,but that was just an impression ,right?)  
Their project was about how different can one be from what one as learned thanks to the ambient they lived in.  
A group work! About an interesting science argoument! With Amity ! A chance for the two of them to grow close!

The rest of the classes went by quite normally, nothing worth mentioning other than the fact that Luz was still absolutely full of happiness ,even at the end of the hours, when she had to talk to Amity so they could work together.

“Amity !Amity! Please wait a second !”  
“What is it?” snarled Amity and all the excitement that Luz felt minutes before vanished ,substituted by embarrassment, she didn’t know how to speak with the girl.  
“I.. uhmm .. you know that we have to do the science projects.. so when are you free ..so we can do it together?” shily asked Luz.  
“Don’t bother I will just do all the work on my own and then I will give you the parts that you need to study, ok?”  
“But I want to do this project.. with you. It is a group project, we have to work together…” said the brown haired girl, with a meek voice.  
“Urgh. ..Ok , meet me at the library in ten. Don’t be late weirdo”

Luz brain exploded! Amity had accepted ! The now giddy girl almost hopped to the library, she absolutely didn’t want to be late.

The blue haired girl was true to her words and was there in less than ten.

The girls choose a table to sit (in a very awkward way).  
“So how would you want to handle the work? Do we recite a page each or we divide it based on paragraphs? “asked Luz, now with a bit more courage.  
“However you prefer, I just want the highest grade , hope you will put your best efforts into this”.  
“I sure will! Thank you for trusting me with this! I won’t disappoint”.  
They choose how to organise the work and actually started an outline of the project.

“Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?” asked Amity “Oh and can you search in my backpack for this small book ,there I keep all the notes, included the science ones, it could be useful”.  
“Sure can do!” said the other teen as her ‘partner in school work’ went to the bathroom.

Amity’s backpack was simple ,but cute. Inside there were some books and a small notebook, maybe this one was it.  
Reading the page Luz realised how wrong she was. In the notebook were some annotations ,not about school, but about her illness.  
The cover looked normal but it was a diary, a diary about a sickess that was slowly killing Amity. The girl didn’t seem like the type to joke about this stuff.. so that meant that she was most likely going to die soon. Luz didn’t read any further ,it was pretty personal and she respected the space of the blue haired teen, so she was just going to ask her upfront, as soon as she would have come back from the bathroom.

It didn’t take long.

“Uhm.. Amity I accidentally read you diary.. and I want to help you!!” blurted out Luz. The color from Amity’s face drained, if anyone needed another confirmation that she wasn’t joking here it was.  
“I was searching for the other notebook that you told me about, and I thought that this was it but.. I was wrong, clearly. But I want to make a oath with you! I will try to make your last days the best as possible!”  
The sick girl didn’t answer at first, but after realising what had been said she asked “Why would you make this oath? To a stranger no less?”  
“You are no stranger, and I want to give everyone the best life ,including you so.. if you just let me !”

Seconds passed.

“Thank you wei-Luz.. maybe you could help me”


	2. getting a look at the suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gals go eat some ice cream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all.. i said i would update on monday, but i feel it would be better if i updated as soon as i have a chapter and the chance to post it, so that is what i am doing!

Wait. Amity had said yes. Amity had said yes. HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO ACT NEXT?

“Well Amity.. after we end the first part of this project do you want to go have an ice cream?” asked innocently Luz. She had to test the water and understand better the pretty girl in front of her.

“Luz… aren’t you lactose intolerant?” the girl with the colored hair asked. Luz was pretty surprised that Amity knew that.  
“At least I heard so… haha” said Amity as soon as she realised what did she say, but this time she was very awkward, in a human way , even while being the best girl in class (and in school). It was a fun thought, Amity looked so perfect and immaculate so seeing her being quirky made Luz feel ..special .  
“As much as I am lactose intolerant I still enjoy icecream, it might kill me, but if I die doing what I like I die like I always wanted to”.

The blue haired girl almost smiled.

“And also there is this one ice cream shop that has options without being derived from milk” admitted sheepishly the bruette.

This time the blue haired girl actually smiled. (it was a very nice smile that made Luz feel as if she suddenly became center of the world) (and maybe for those few seconds she was)

They kept doing the research for the science project, but the brunette kept getting distracted. Amity was going to die, in a non specific amount of time, but yes.. she was going to die. She would offer as an organ donor but her mother wouldn’t share her excitement ,so the only thing she could do was being supportive in front of the threat of death.  
She knew that death was natural, but she couldn’t help but wish she could avoid that sufferance.  
“Weirdo you keep getting distracted.. even more than before ,maybe it is better if we continue this tomorrow, same hour same place.”  
“So.. are we going to the icecream shop? The one for also lactose intolerants?”  
“Yeah… I suppose“

As they walked Luz started making questions, she tried keeping them light hearted ,but she was very curious .

“Do you have a favourite book?” asked the brunette with her usual warm tone.  
“I like ‘Le mots et les choses’ by Michel Foucault, it is quite complex ,but the message is worth the 500+ pages” lied Amity, she couldn’t say her real favourite book.. it would be embarrassing and she wasn’t there to look bad in front of a random nerd.  
“So cool! I have heard a lot of good things about him, but I have never had the chance to read anything by him. I like Nietzche ,the german author, but I like ‘Azura the good witch’ better! It may seem childish but a lot of the things told can be taken as a metaphor and reading a book that makes you happy could never be a sin”  
“Wait.. you like that book too.. I tought I was the only one.” Said Amity in a soft tone. “Are you actually sent by my siblings to make fun of me?” all the softness disappeared and was replaced with anger. Why did her siblings take every chance to embarrass her?  
“No I am not! I swear! I just wanted to have the chance to offer you an ice cream… we may be strangers, but I want to give you happy moments before your death, believe me I have no mean intentions!” exclaimed Luz, why would she go such lengths.. just to make fun of a sibling. Amity might seem aloof, but she was nice. (right?)  
Amity looked up and down the girl in front of her, let out a sigh and said “Yeah… you aren’t sent by my sibings, they would have bought someone more of my type… maybe you are just a kind nerd. Let’s go to the ice cream shop now… but do you really like ‘Azura the good witch’?” as much as the girl tried to keep an air of coldness it was clear that she was interested in trying to have a ‘nice’ friendship with the brunette.

They continued to walk in almost silence, if not for the moments where Luz would see something or have a dumb thought that she really needed to share.  
“Amity! How many people know about your illness?”  
Some silence.

“My family… and you. Don’t tell anyone or I will make you regret it, we may have the same taste in books, but we aren’t the same. I am letting you do all this ‘friendship stuff’ out of curiosity, I don’t really care too much about the fact that I will die and you are just a way to pass time” the blue haired girl knew how to be hurtful, but Luz already knew that and still smiled and answered with a smile.  
“I don’t care if you don’t see me as I friend, because I do! I will make you have the best time of your life… if you let me..”. The brown haired girl wasn’t one to give up for some small insult, everyone should smile, so Amity needed to smile as well.  
“You don’t give up easily.. do you ?Maybe for you is a virtue the way you never give up, but I am going to hurt you, but you already know that, let me guess.. you are even ok with it. Gosh was a gal that you are.” There was no smile on her face, but care in her words.

“Look! It is right there! “said Luz as she pointed to a shop down the road.  
Calmly the girls stepped in the shop, but when the time to count the money before ordering the girls realised that they didn’t have enough money for two cones.  
“Amity… do you want to share a cone?”  
“Ok… I suppose that it is not a problem” tried to answer the girl with the pretty yellow orbs.

They ordered vanilla, cacao and chocolate mint chip, Luz said that it looked like Amity’s hair.  
They found a bench nearby and sat in awkward silence.

“So.. who is going to take the first lick? Amity why are you looking at the icecream with such eyes? Don’t tell me you never tried chocolate mint chip!!!”  
“Uh… my parents don’t really appreciate when I eat unhealthy, they say that it is very damaging and I shouldn’t do such dumb activities” said the blue haired girl with a face that portrayed no emotion at all.  
“So… you never had ice cream? No problem! There is a first time in anything! If you want you can eat the whole cone… I want you to be happy even if you have such short time to live!”

Amity looked very surprised and tentatively licked the cone, in almost a cat like manner, full of caution. (the ice cream wasn’t going to kill her, but the smile on Luz’s face might )  
“The chocolate one is okay.. nothing extraordinary I must say, but still better than broccolis if I have to be honest” Amity was treating that ice cream in a very serious way, so the brunette took a bit of chocolate ice cream and put it on the girl’s nose. The girl with ice cream on her nose looked completely shooked, Luz hoped that she didn’t do the wrong thing, but then Amity laughed, a nice light hearted laugh.

“Oh.. you shouldn’t have done that… now get ready for revenge!” and the girl with colored hair took some of the vanilla and out it on Luz nose. It was fun.  
“We are wasting all this ice cream… if this is your first one maybe you should eat it” said Luz in the middle of their laughs.  
“You should take some as well.. it really tastes better than broccolis” and the girls smiled and held the cone together .

To an outsider the entire scene could look quite dubious, two girl with their hands almost intertwined holding the same cone ,the brunette smiling and the girl with colored hair looking almost as if she was trying to cover up her feeling of fondness. (that was obliviously just an impression, Amity was cold and aloof) (right?)

The evening started getting closer and closer, it was time to depart.  
“I enjoyed the ice cream ,now I must go. Farewell” said the girl that minutes before held her hand on the cone.  
Still Luz had a request for her new ‘friend’: “Amity.. can you give me your number? So I can do other things… so before you die you can ,technically we could do other stuff as today… it was fun, or at least that was for me.”  
The girl with colored hair looked a bit lost in thought, but nodded and Luz dictated her number.  
The girl saved her new friend as ‘Amity heart emoji cowboy emoji hearth emojii’, she was curious how did the other save her .Luz was pretty disappointed that there were no hearts with her name, Amity decided to omit the ‘cat emoji that smiles’ near the name of her new… ‘companion’, she assumed.

This was going to a be a one time thing? Well Luz hoped not.

(Luz had to get home fast, eating ice cream while being lactose intolerant for a pretty girl sure wasn’t her best decision, but it didn’t matter anymore, she got Amity to smile, that was worth it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a drawing about this, this is my tumblr or if you just want to look at the art the link is this 


	3. having fun while suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stomach ache can lead to some funny moments.

As much as Luz rushed home she already had a very bad stomach ache. It was hard hiding the truth from her mother, she couldn’t tell her that she decided to eat ice cream while being aware of the consequences that would bring to the lactose intolerant girl just for a girl that didn't see her even as a friend.

She puked a little, miracoulosly managing not to spill anything on the floor while her mother was sleeping.

Sadly you can’t hide nausea and the smell of vomit from your nurse mother, so in the end the truth was discovered.

“Luz …did you eat something with lactose? Again?” asked her mother, in a quiet tone, almost loving.

“Maybe… but there is this girl and I wanted to do something that would make her smile.. she never smiles at school and I wanted to change that. I accept my punishment, but I can’t promise to give up the milk derived goods….” 

The brunette had a good relationship with her mother, she didn’t have anymore problems with social interactions thanks to the help that she got after the incident with him. Her mother and her had a secure relationship where they trusted eachother.

Camilia didn’t want to be too harsh with her daughter, she understood her desire to fit in with her pears, so she just had to clean the room tomorrow while she went to work and she was going to miss school to recover.

Luz was sad about that, she really wanted to meet Amity again, but she sent her a message explaining that she wasn’t coming to school that day for the stomach ache. (she omitted the reason her stomach was aching in the first place).

Amity wasn’t stupid and understood that it was technically her fault for the ice cream .She then asked if she could help her in any way, her messages all ended with the angry cat emoji.( she was being nice just because the weirdo had bought her ice cream, no other reason)

The dominican girl tried her best to convince her that she didn’t need to do anything back, but at the end Luz admitted that she had to clean all the house on Saturday. It was a day without school so Amity promised to come help her.

Friday Luz stayed at home, she did some homework and watched dumb tik toks. The morning after was the day that the cutest girl in school was coming to help her clean. If a week before someone told her that this was going to happen she would have just laughed, yet as she waited in front of her porch she couldn’t do anything other than look at Amity’s profile picture: it was her at the beach, messy hair in the wind and a bathing suit that looked really pretty on her. (everything looked like that on her).

The brunette had given her address to the girl ,the girl refused to use the bus so she came with her siblings.

Luz had never seen the Blight twins before, but the family had some really great genes ,she had to admit.

Amity looked bored, but not surprised by the stupid banter that the twins kept having about who was going to drive back made her scowl. Luz didn’t like that expression on her, she preferred the smile she had while having chocolate on her nose.

At one point the twins decided about who was going to ride back and left the two teens alone in the house.

“Sorry for not being able to meet up for our project yesterday… but you can relax a bit while I clean the house” apologised the brunette.

“What? I came here to repay my debt, I am absolutely going to help you. Deal with it Noceda!” weren’t the word the other girl was expecting ,but she wasn’t going to refuse if she wanted to help that bad.

“Amity…. to what songs do you like to listen to in your free time?”

“Umh… I listen to real music ,so I only like old stuff… not that you know any of that you weirdo..”

“Oh! I love old stuff? Do you know ‘the inkspots’ ?They made very good music and they are old !!!”

“ Actually I have never heard of them… are you sure that are old and cool?”

“Absolutely! They are from the 50's I believe!”

“Oh… I didn’t expect you to like stuff that old..I also like dumb songs.. like Ayesha Erotica” .Yet again the weirdo was surprising her with the fact that she was a cool and nuanced girl that wasn’t just an airhead, and yet again she was embarrassing her own self.

“I love her! Her songs are so fun!!!Sometimes you need something light hearted to appreciate life. Things don’t need to be serious to make a positive change in your life! Like you, sometimes you seem cold and I think that I am doing something wrong, but then you show me those white teeth and I feel like a prophet that gets to meet his god! No homo!”

Both girls started laughing , Amity was showing off her white teeth that Luz loved so much. (only later she realised the words that she had spilled, but the other girl sure didn’t understand it that way.. right?)

The gals started cleaning at 11 am, by lunch they had almost finished all the work, so it was time for lunch.

“Amity what would you like for lunch? I make the best omelettes!” said Luz as the song ‘emo boy’ could still be heard in the background.

“Weirdo I don’t care we can eat anything, I have never been more interested in some eggs… cleaning took all my energies… if I die tell the twins that I always wished to be an only child.”

The brunette looked extremely surprised, so she almost whispered a “Was that a… joke? Are you making jokes? Am I allucinating thanks to the milk? HOW MUCH MILK DID I ACTUALLY DRINK?”

Amity laughed ,”Weirdo you heard that right, I made a joke!”

Luz would lie if she said that the girl with the blue hair wasn’t the cutest when laughing (and also while doing anything else).

The brunette got to work and in a few minutes lunch was ready and served.

“Nerd.. you might actually been right, this omelette is to die for!” said Amity between bites.

“I am very glad to hear that!”

By 3 pm all the work was done, working with ‘vacation bible school’ in the background did amazing things to productivity, so they decided to have a small trip to the park.

They walked for quite some time, for whatever reason Amity didn’t want to go to places with a lot of people, maube she was a bit shy in public, but in the end they reached their destination.

It was pretty empty at that hour, so Luz got on the swings while her ‘friend’ took interest in the slides. She didn’t fit well in there but that didn’t stop her from getting that disappointing slide to the dirt.

It was weird how nice Luz was, most likely she was so lovely because she knew that she was going to die, but a small part of Amity thought that she was being extra nice because that was the brunette, always caring. (she tried to ignore how the thought of maybe being special made her heart beat a little faster)

“Noceda.. do you mind if I push you one the swing? Like y-you can …refuse.. yea-h y-ou can ahahaha” as more words were said the more Amity’s speech kept getting more and more slurred, almost as if she was embarrassed. (but that wasn’t the truth, they were just having harmless fun and pushing a friend on a swing wasn’t that lovely) (it was though)

“Yeah!!! That will be really cool thank you!”

And so it happened. Amity was pushing an over exited Luz on a swing. It was pretty nice, but neither was going to admit it. (but that wasn’t the focus of their relationship)

At around 5 pm it was time for the girls to depart.

“Thank you…Luz for doing all of this for me, I really appreciate it..” said Amity with a smile, that turned into a frown as she heard the familiar honk of the twins.

“Thank you for having helped me clean the house !”

Luz waved at her as Amity got into the car, she didn’t return the gesture but that same night Luz received a “sorry for your stomach ache, but the ice cream was very good”.

It was a start, that was sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will add the link to the art later!


	4. wondering what is the suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz and Amity don't meet each other, but they still think about each other.

When Luz’s mother came back home that same Saturday she couldn’t help but being a little surprised at how clean the house was. Luz had done a great job, even if she had a little help.

“Oh? Who is this boy that helped you ? I trust that nothing happened with him while I was here or there will be consequences !” said Camilia without any bite in her voice, just interest in the polite helper that came to their house with the desire of being nice.

“Mom! It was no boy! It was Amity, the girl with colored hair! She is so cool! You might recognize her, here look it is her instagram account” said Luz as she pointed to the account shown on her phone.

“Why doesn’t she ever smile? She is very pretty mi querida, but she doesn’t look that happy…” asked her mother while looking at the pictures.

“Yeah… I think that as well, but maybe she just is a model, you know models never smile”

Her mom was satisfied with that answer and together they cooked dinner.

The brunette was a little sad that in the past days she didn’t have the chance to meet her friends: Gus and Willow. They weren’t in the same class so they would meet at lunch time and around the corridors and chat a little. Sometimes they would meet on the weekends at some park. Willow was very nice and sometimes would do ice cream lactose free just for her best friend.

It was night time and Luz wanted to go to bed, maybe she could dream about her fun day or about that one anime, but first she wanted to tell goodnight to Gus and Willow, so she sent a small ‘goodnight’ followed by seventeen heart emojiis to them and went to wash her teeth while waiting for a response.

As she was coming back to her room she heard that sound that he phone would make when someone answered a message, so she excitedly hopped towards the bed where she left the device.

There was something wrong .

Why would her friends call her ‘freak’? Had she done something wrong? But as she read the name of the one that sent the message she understood, she sent to Amity the goodnight with seventeen hear emojiis. It was embarrassing but at least she responded ‘goodnight freak sleep well’. The ‘sleep well’ part really got to her soul.. Amity had an aloof façade, but she still wished goodnight to her … what were they ? They did friend things, but mostly for the purpose of trying to donate to the girl with colored hair a nice memory for these times where they could still be together.

Luz went to sleep with a body that felt light and calm, hoping that Amity did the same.

The morning after she was awake early, not even her mother was up. She enjoyed those moments of calmness, of peace. She was constantly trying to be a good person and that weighted a bit on her, her mother was also great but she missed her father. She knew that there was no use in thinking that, so she tried not to wonder about it.

She wanted to surprise her mother with pancakes ,she carefully followed the recipe and the times. In the end the result was extremely disappointing, but her mother appreciated the tought.

Luz always tried doing her best! For everyone and for herself!

Today Luz had some homework to do, but maybe she could finish it before the afternoon so she could maybe hang out with her friends.

She first started with math, she hated it. What was the purpose to the letter with the number? It seems useless, as much as she tried it didn’t mean that she was going to succeed. That saddened her, it reminded her of herself. She was small and useless ,whatever she could do she was infitesimal. Still math was useful, it helped humans understand better themselves and the universe, maybe it was the same for her. At least she hoped.

English homework didn’t take too long, it was easy both the grammar and the literature. The brunette really loved literature, modern, ancient, Russian, Spanish, long , short… anything that made her grow with words was an adventure. It was pretty cool that Amity liked the same book as her, maybe in another universe they were witches battling against everything and each other.

Spanish lessons were somewhat her favourites, it made her feel closer to her roots and to her parents and relatives. They used to go to Mexico in summer, but after the 'incident' it would bring on some unpleasant memories, but the past was the past, there was no use to rethink of the past if not with the intent of being better. At Spanish lessons they would also do things related to the culture. They learnt European Spanish ,but it was still similar to her true origins.

Science was with mrs.Clawthorne, her surname rang a bell but she never made the connection of the relationship between her science teacher ,that looked like she was going trough her goth phase, and her sister. She was a good teacher and Amity was her best student !Amity was the best student in everything.. she was so cool!

Luz couldn’t wait for the week that she was going to bring King, the class pet hamster, to her house. She was going to love him so much !

The girl finished all her homework before lunch time so she sent a message to her friends Gus and Willow asking if they wanted to hang out. This time she made sure to send the message to her friends and not to Amity.

Camilia was really proud of the child that was growing in front of her eyes, she had gone trough so much at such a young age, but she still tried to be nice .She had loss in her heart ,but kindness in her soul. She wanted to spoil Luz so she decided that they could have some pizza for lunch. The young girl liked the ‘quattro formaggi’ ,the one with cheese, while the woman enjoyed the one called ‘diavola’, with spicy salami.

“Mi querida what plans do you have for this afternoon? You can invite some friends over if you want, the house is pearly clean ,thanks to you. Feel free to invite even that girl… ‘Amatista’? Or was she ‘Amata’?”

“Mom! Her name is Amity and she is most likely busy.. she is the best in our class!! And most likely also in the entire school! She also is the cutest!” answered hastily Luz, almost as if she saw that as a personal offence.

“Oh… I understand now…” responded Camilia with a smirk that showed that she understood too much.. or too little ,it was just a matter points of view.

“Anyway I am going out with Willow, she has sent me a photo of the plants in her garden, she is so good at understanding and taking care of them… she treats them as her children ,with love and makes sure to give to each attention! I could never”

Lunch ended and Luz took a short nap. She dreamt of some sort of race ,where she was competing with a version of herself ,but the other wasn’t her, ‘it’ was something mean. At the end she won and everything smiled, or at least she felt that.

What was she going to wear while going out with Willow? Gus wasn’t going to come ,he had spent the entire day taking care of his collection. Willow was always dressed as a princess, she had that vibe of kindness, while Luz always dressed randomly. In the end the brunette decided to wear a shoulder-less top and some jeans.

The two girls met in front of a statue ,near the school. It was nice meeting her friend ,but she asked why did she miss Friday , Luz answered “I ate ice cream ..the one with milk.. yet again…”

“Oh Luz… why did you do this ? It isn’t healthy and I don’t want to see you sick!”

“Well Amity had never eaten an ice cream, so I wanted to show her what she was missing..”

“Oh? Amity ? Why were you with her?Be careful she is a snake.. don’t get to close!” said Willow with anger, but still with care for her friend.

“Well we have a science project together ,but inside that mean interior lays a kind heart.. she has a laugh so musical and sweet..” responded the brunette and added “Why do you think that she is going to hurt me?”

“Once we were friends, I don’t want her to do to you what she did to me” said Willow and this conversation ended there.

They spent some time together ,speaking about everything and nothing, but happy.

For dinner she had leftover pizza.

At night she was almost falling asleep, her phone buzzed. The notifications said that Amity had sent her a ‘sleep well freak, see you tomorrow I guess’, but Luz blinked once. The message was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dudes i started school, but i hope i will keep the updates regular!
> 
> my tumblr


	5. being drawn to the suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz wants Amity to have an amazing life, whatever it takes.

By Monday Luz was feeling better so she went to school.

Monday morning was a boring couple of hours ,no news or funny happenings until it was time to eat .At lunch she felt watched yet again,so she turned around. Strangely Amity was looking at their table. Luz shot her usual kind smile and the girl with colored hair looked as if she blushed and turned back to her table as if nothing had happened . Luz should check her vision or make sure that Amity isn't feeling unwell.

The gilr in question was very popular but she never seemed happy in any situation. She was having lunch with her friends but looked very aloof, it was hard to think that the Amity with the chocolate ice cream on her nose was the same as the girl with the cold glare that would sometimes be very mean. (Luz couldn’t stop thinking that Willow and the cold girl had been friends)( but what stopped their friendship?)

Time for PE!!

Luz had never been a talented athlete, but she had fun in those lessons. She didn’t have homework for this subject and she could spend some fun time with her classmates. She had never developed an extraordinary relationship with them ,but they could share jokes and mess around. There was also Amity.. but their relationship was different. (what did that mean wasn’t clear)

Volleyball was fun, but the dark haired girl would often end up with a ball on her face. Still she didn’t care as long as she was having fun.

The two teams were even on the points, it was a silly sport but everyone was giving their best.

Suddenly Amity scored a point, the equipe had won thanks to her. (Luz really wanted to compliment her, but was she overstepping her boundaries?)

She was so lost in thought that she didn’t notice the team’s star player heading towards her with her usual blank expression.

“Umh… nerd. You did a good job, but today I can’t meet for the science project. I am busy.” Said Amity with a calm empty voice, almost as she had reharsed all this dialogue.

“No problem!!” answered Luz with a nice smile. The star player was the one to win the match but still Amity was complimenting her and her only.

The giddy girl felt bad for what she thought before, Amity was full of life and she knew how to be nice, she just needed to be in the right company, right?

The school day ended with no other interesting happening so Luz headed home. Ayesha Erotica was obliviously playing in her ears. At first it was just a funny singer with a funny song, but now it was a memory with her class mate. Luz realised that she wanted to see a smile on Amity face for as long as she was going to live, she was going to try her hardest to do this.

After getting back home she tried cooking some pasta. It seems a simple process, no way she was going to burn down the kitchen ,again, right?

The pasta with tomato sauce wasn’t half as bad es expected, Luz was proud of herself, last year she had so many problems with doing everything ,even getting up from bed, but now the past was just a memory. (that sometimes would resurface)

Math homework was yet again extremely dumb, why did anyone think that putting letters was going to be a wise choice? Albert Einstein didn’t have to explain the existence of the world, if he just read ‘Azura the Good Witch’ maybe he would understand the universe better, no shade no tea, just facts.

Philosophy was very cool actually. All those dead people with their idea of life and what it meant. They had such complex theory but existing was just a long yeehaw. For Luz life is what you want it to be and she wanted it to be a yeehaw. No one could stop her, not even the FBI agent watching her trough her phone camera as she did dumb dances with even dumber songs.

She finished all the homework before her mother could even come back home so she had some time to spend alone and reflect about everything. She really couldn’t wait for the week that she could bring the class pet home, King looked so soft and nice. Willow also looked soft and nice, maybe she should text her ,she really missed her. Willow was with her even in her worst moments, they had a great friendship.

Enough introspection. She could search information for the science project so she could show Amity how responsible she was !She didn’t want to disappoint.

Their search subject was very interesting and could be applied to many animals reactions. The concept that the environment creates you and not viceversa was understandable . Luz couldn’t help but wonder who she would be if she lived in a different environment . Her name might be Luz, but she wouldn’t be the Luz everyone knew. What if she would have become cold and aloof if she had a different upbringing ? Was that Amity’s case? She never spoke about her parents, actually she never spoke much even with her ‘friends’, wasn’t she lonely?

Her mother came later than expected, she had to meet Eda in a very ‘platonical two gals who love each other no homo way’ . They had a ‘no date’. Luz found that a bit amusing, but the reason her mother couldn’t understand the relationship she had with Eda as a romantic one was because she most likely felt as if she was cheating, even with a dead husband.

As they daughter and mother had dinner the teen had the best idea of all: making a list of thing that Amity could do before dying , maybe they could do those activities together.

“Amity !!I just had the best idea ever!!” texted Luz .

“What is it?” was the quick response.

“I was thinking that we could make a list of things you could do before dying ! Like eating Mexican food and learning a new language!”

“It is a okay idea I suppose.” was texted with stellar grammar.

“Great!! See you tomorrow!”

The night was peaceful and no nightmares attacked Luz in her sleep.

The school day was mostly boring ,until it was time for philosophy. The teacher was an interesting individual that asked five minutes before the ring of the bell “What is life? I am not interested in the opinions of some dead men, I want to hear your opinion.”

All the class was quiet and looked deep in thought, but not Amity, she looked very disinterested.” Miss Blight what is your opinion?”

“Life is nothing, it has no use for creatures as small as us humans, if I die tomorrow the universe isn’t going to change and the same can be said if I die in a thousand years. Life is useless.”

“This is a very interesting answer, does anyone have something to say about this?” said the professor a bit surprised.

Luz shyly raised her hand and responded “Life isn’t about doing something important, it is about doing what is important for you.”

Amity turned her head and her expression changed into something other, but the bell rang before the conversation could progress deeper. (maybe that was for the better)

The school day ended.

It was time to meet Amity !!!

“How did it end up yesterday ?Hope you could do the thing that you had to do without any problems!” said Luz, she would be lying if she didn’t say that she had missed the girl with blue hair.

”Umh… I had to visit a doctor, I always meet him on Mondays, so we can’t meet on those days”

“No problem!”

The Dominican girl almost forgot that her ‘friend’ was most likely going to die relatively soon, so she was most likely meeting doctoras often and she couldn’t help her in any way other than spending time with her.

“Amity.. I know that we never had a very strong relationship, but if I could take your suffering and make it mine I wouldn’t esitate. You deserve happiness!”

The girl in question looked absolutely surprised, she wasn’t expecting that at all, the nerd was too good for this world, so she just answered “Thank you Luz” and blushed a little at the show of affection.

Even after this conversation the girls kept working on their research , Luz didn’t want to embarrass her ‘friend’ with a bad project, so she did her best.

They finished the work for that day in two hours, so the dark haired girl pulled a list of things that Amity could do before dying.

“So Amity have you ever pulled an all nighter, learnt another language, ate food from another nation ,kissed someone, had a boyfriend, told someone that you love them, laughed until your stomach hurt, repaired a relationship ,did something illegal, went to a concert, watched a really ugly film just to make fun of it, took part in volunteering work, flied on a plane, ate something on a plane, touched a frog, wrote a book of your memories ,went to a festival and some other….What do you think?”

“Are you going to help me do all of this? Just to help me feel better before dying? I can’t accept, you should live your life fully ,not help me do that !”

“I want to live my life fully the way I desire, and I desire to spend your last moments near you, it is not up to debate I am going to give you the best time of your life, you deserve it. No arguing” said Luz in a tone so serious it seemed not to belong to her.

“Thank you… for all”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started school ,so i am very sorry for the ugly art.  
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter ! Hope i will keep you interested!


	6. what is the suffering, really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starts fluffy, ends angsty.

“Còmo estàs?”

When Amity heard those words she turned around and saw Luz, she was taking very seriously the promise of doing all those activities with her. She still couldn’t believe how a human could be that nice as to genuinely do all those points on the bucket list for a girl who she had never spoken to before.

“Yo estoy bien, y tu?” continued the dark haired girl.

The gals were meeting in front of the library and the science project was almost done. Luz had finally some occasions to have fun. They were most likely going to take a great grade, both poured so much effort into it and they still had a week yet to finish it, all was good. (if one could forget the fact that Amity was going to die any day soon)

“Why would learning a new language be in any way something important enough to be on a list of things to do before dying? It seems very trivial. Language is useless, a bunch of sounds that your brain learns to interpret with a meaning. So useless, why can’t just invent telepathy and send cat pictures to each others mind?”

“Another joke from Miss Blight? What are you going to do next ?Hold my hand with care and love?” joked Luz, she didn’t really understand why she felt the need to imagine holding hands, but being teenager is a funky activity and probably it were the hormones, it is always them.

“Well humans are social creatures, a need to communicate is the basis of our existence. Language is just a mere consequence of this. Those sounds are so important, you choose to accept and associate them with a meaning because you are a human.. wait are you a human?”

“No I am a witch from another dimension” said sassily the girl with colored hair.

“Another joke? Miss Blight the ice cream is still having hard effects on you, be careful or you will smile !”

“Amity do you think that we have to also put examples of how the ambient affctes even us as humans? We count as animals so it would make sense , but our brain are wired differently so I am not sure how suited this would be.”

“But what would we explain while using us as examples? Our life and the choices we make and made?”

“Yes I suppose, but maybe it would be weird, a lot of the things that shape us are things that we may prefer not to recall, at least for me.”

“I am sorry that you have those types of feelings related to past memories” answered honestly Amity, she wasn’t expecting that answer from Luz, she wasn’t expecting to care that much about her sadness.

The library was closing soon ,they had worked a lot and even did some of that boring math homework, it was a productive day.

Amity was waiting for her siblings to come pick her up and Luz kept her company.

“Hey witchy, what do you want to be when you grow up?” asked the dark haired girl.

“Well.. why is my pet name witchy ?”

“Well you have blue hair like Azura! Did you dye it this color in her honor? Wish my mom would let me do this as well!”

“Oh… I didn’t dye it for Azura, I did it for my mom, she likes when things are color coordinated.” Said Amity, no sassiness in her voice, no more smirking, just a sad face while staring down at the ground, as if it became the most interesting object in the entire galaxy.

“I-I shouldn’t have aske-“ Luz was interrupted by a loud honking, the twins were approaching them at a speed that was way over the speed limit. The Blight’s were sure something.

“Mom! I am home!”

“Hello mi querida!” answered Camilia , followed by a “How you doing kid?”. Hearing those words Luz turned around to face Eda, her mother’s ‘‘not at all girlfriend or anything jajaja” .The women had first met when Luz went to therapy, Eda had been the one that actually managed to help in a meaningful way the kid, and now she was ‘not dating your mom at all like no way ahah no we are just buddies’ kind of way.

“Sorry that I arrived late , but I waited for Amity’s siblings to come pick her up! I am teaching her Spanish, bit by bit. Maybe tomorrow we will spend less time doing science and more time joking, she even made three jokes today, genuine jokes. I love when she does this, she smiles and she just looks so cute!”

“Wow this girl seems very dear to you…” said Eda with an all knowing smirk.

“Yeah!”

The day after King, the class pet, was going to be given to someone else! It would be cool if she was the lucky one!

“Gus we haven’t spoken much in the last day! How was your week?”

“I am very happy for having chosen this course about antropology, humans are so interesting and it is cool how our actions are driven by our surroundings .We maybe see ourselves as superior ‘creatures’ but in the end we are creatures based on the past. More often that not that said ‘past’ is ugly, so many people wish to change it ,but changing the past means changing who you are as a person, for the better or for the worst. We shouldn’t bother trying to change our past, we should look up for a better future.” Wrote Gus, sometimes he would feel so strongly about a subject that he would do a big rant. Luz didn't complain, he was very interesting.

“Damn bih” was Wilow’s answer in the groupchat, the groupchat where they took turns on the braincell, where they had simple fun.

Luz kept thinking about Gus’ words at night. She couldn’t really sleep so reflected about everything and nothing. Her mind was blank but also full of thoughts, some mean some nice. Would Amity still hang out with her after the end of the project? They weren’t friends, but they weren’t strangers, so what were they? But most importantly what did Luz want them to be? She wanted to be important and meaningful for her, she didn’t want to be forgotten, she wanted to be dear to her, not only because she was dying ,but because she deserved nice things, but was Luz worthy of her?

She knew what Eda would think of these thoughts, they were useless mean thoughts towards herself, thoughts that didn’t have any use other than making her feel bad, to feel worthless, yet she knew they were true, maybe she deserved them.

She fell asleep with tears in her eyes, no more excitement for the class pet, just dread. She felt so pathetic :crying for something as simple as friendships.

Her mother was at work in the morning, so she didn’t see her swollen eyes from all the tears.

Over the years Luz had become and expert in crying, for some time it was the only thing that she knew how to do.

The entire school day passed almost like nothing, no memoires just doing the same activity because she had to do, the class pet was given to some random other kid, lunch break was eating in silence some fruit, not even bothering to recognize the eyes staring worriedly at her.

Willow saw her in that state and she voiced her concern “ Luz,are you okay? Do you need a hug?”

No answer.

“Was it the Blight girl! I told you not to get close to such a snake! Please Luz tell me what is wrong, I hate seeing you cry!”

Luz looked up from the floor, excused herself and went to the bathroom to cry in peace. Finally she poured all her emnotions out. Yes she was crying for Amity ,but it was because she was yet again the loser in this game. It wasn’t Amity’s fault if she was so weird, she didn’t deserve Willow and Gus and her mother and Eda and so many more…

At this point she wasn't even crying for Amity, but she was crying for the realisation that she was just a weird kid, a nobody, a loser. 

Crying wasn’t going to help her ,but at least she could finally let herself feel. She didn’t have there mental breakdowns that often thanks to therapy, but sometimes reality would hit her hard.

A second passed, or maybe ten years. Who knows? Who cares?

Even if there was an apocalypse nothing would change how she was feeling, in those moments she didn’t even hear Gus and Willow on the other side of the door, she heard nothing ,but her own thoughts.

Willow went to look for Amity ,Gus went to look for a responsible adult that could deal with the situation.

Another knock.

“Luz, it is me Amity. Willow says that I caused this, I came to apologize ,sorry, please tell me what was my mistake so I could be and do better. I mean this , please know that you are very dear to me. You are so kind, you constantly support me and your oath to give me a better life is incredibly sweet. You are incredibly sweet, with anything that you do. If you want I can ask the teacher to give you a better partner , no problem for me , I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore”

“You see me as a friend?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last week there was no chapter, i am sorry i will try to be more consistrent, even if with school is hard.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this! We got some more understanding of Luz's way of thinking.


	7. a different kind of suffering

Luz slowly started getting back her breath.

She still wasn’t feeling well, those thoughts kept racing inside her mind, with no other desire than to destroy. A desire to destroy all the progress she had made across many months, with the help of many.

“Noceda are you okay? I have been informed that you had fallen into tears at lunch. This bathroom isn’t the best to cry. We are trying to help you so please come with me .” said the kind voice of Mrs. Clawthorne.

Luz realised that she was crying in the school bathroom, probably not the best choice one could make ,she realised that people who now needed to be here would feel awkward at the thought. You know pissing with crying sounds wasn’t the lunch time one could wish, so she unlocked the door with eyes that were still wet.

The kind science teacher waited for her to open the door voluntarily ,she most likely had some class to attend, yet Luz was the student that needed as much support as she could. Mrs. Clawthorne was aware of Luz’s past, she knew what happened and she had the truest desire to help her pupil in any way, so she calmy waited for the door to open.

While our beloved protagonist was crying in the bathroom lunch time ended, so finally the school halls were completely empty, aside for some janitors.

The dark haired child and her goth looking teacher found a room where they could speak in peace. Luz wasn’t crying anymore ,but the thoughts still lingered in her mind, following her constantly, constantly reminding her about the use of sadness, about her life and everything that was happening, be it good or bad.

“Noceda what happened to make you feel this way? It is completely understandable that one could have a moment of sadness, but I have reasons to believe this is more complex that some simple lunch time tears. Sometimes speaking may seem extremely hard but packing your emotions inside isn’t going to change anything. As your science teacher I can tell you that crying for long periods realeses oxytocin and endogenous opioids, otherwise known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals can help ease both physical and emotional pain. Once the endorphins are released, your body may go into somewhat of a numb stage. Oxytocin can give you a sense of calm or well-being. It’s another example of how crying is a self-soothing action. Crying may be one of your best mechanisms to self-sooth, astudies have found that crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The PNS helps your body rest and digest. The benefits aren’t immediate, however. It may take several minutes of shedding tears before you feel the soothing effects of crying. Along with helping you ease pain, crying, specifically sobbing, may lift your spirits. When you sob, you take in many quick breaths of cool air. Breathing in cooler air can help regulate and even lower the temperature of your brain. A cool brain is more pleasurable to your body and mind than a warm brain. As a result, your mood may improve after a sobbing episode. Also grieving is a process. It involves periods of sorrow, numbness, guilt, and anger. Crying is particularly important during periods of grieving. It may help you process and accept the loss of a loved one. Believe me when i tell you that I fully sustain your tears, it does help you, but keeping everything bottled up isn’t going to be the solution. If you want you can speak to me, I am absolutely open to this behavior, so please do talk. Some people prefer human contact in those moments ,but I don’t wish to overstep any of your boundaries, would you want to call your mother, maybe she can come and take you, maybe you can go buy an icecream, she seems accepting enough. Oh, I am sorry ,but if you have troubles with your mother please know that we are here for you. You have friends and all the teachers love you, you aren’t alone here and you will never be.” Said the teacher at the end of her ramblings. It was clear that she wasn't a very good comforter, yet it was also clear that she was triyng to help.

Mrs. Clawthorne was a very cool teacher, but Luz had never been so heart to heart to an adult that she hadn’t knew for long, but maybe it was time to speak about her feelings, maybe talking was going to help her. In the past talking actually helped her get over the ugly thing that made her feel that way, most of the time she would feel like a regular girl, and by most of the time she meant months and months ,yet today she had a mental breakdown in the ….school bathroom. Mental health has never been a linear process, sometimes we all have those moments, and maybe today was one of these days for Luz.

“I hate death” started Luz, without being sure on how to progress, feelings were hard to understand and harder to vocalize in words. What could explain what she was feeling? What would be an adequate response .Herself in primis had no idea on how she should act, she was back as a nine year old whose life had just gotten worse, without her being able to do anything. She just knew that she despised death as a concept and everything that came with it. It didn’t matter how cool anyone could be while alive, it didn’t matter how good and nice and amazing one could be it was going to be useless in the end .Everyone died, but that didn’t make it any better, one day thing you cared about would be forgotten, that is how things work, yet accepting that as a truth wasn’t what she wished for in any way, shape or form. She didn’t want him to die, yet he did, she doesn’t want Amity to die, yet that was exactly what was going to happen.

While Luz was lost in her own world and imagination the goth science teacher stood near her, with a kind look on her face , a look that made it clear that she was going to wait for as long as it was needed.

Luz finally collected her thoughts, in a semi-functional way. She was going to talk.

“I hate death” she repeated yet again, but this time she actually articulated a coherent thought. “What I hate the most about it is the complete missed control that I have. All the things I do are going to be worthless and meaningless in the end”

“What does the end result matter? You don’t listen to a song to finish it, you don’t read a book so you can say you ended it, you don’t go to the park so you can walk home. The result of an action is important and very relevant, but the progress of an action also matters, even more that the actual result. Death is a result, life is a constant progress. Everyday you are singing another word of the song, reading another word of the book and making another step towards the park. Everyday. Death is meant to end the song, the book and the walk to the park, but there is no reason why you should be the one to end it prematurely. Live everyday because you can, if death comes it will, but only one thing is eternal ,and it is death. Hope you understand.”

Luz once knew those words, but today she forgot them. Today she also remembered them back. Yes, death will come ,but those it matter? You live to live, not to die. Such a simple concept, so many tears in the school bathroom.

“Thank you ,miss Clawthorne. I won’t forget this.” As Luz said those words the bell rang, looking at her watch it was the last period.

The Dominican girl was reaching for the door handle, but the goth science teacher added “You are right: everyday could be the last, so live every single day as if it was actually the last one. We all make mistakes, what matters is that we correct them for as long as we can.”

Luz took her things and reached for the exit, the school day had ended. Tomorrow she was going to make it better.

There wasn’t much commotion ,there wasn’t commotion at all to be more precise. Her phone had gotten some messages, some from her classmates, Gus , Willow and her mother. Not one from Amity, but she did actually care. (right?) (she had no reason to)

“Luz!” an all too familiar voice said. It was Amity, that looked pretty worried.

“Sorry mi chiquita, but no Spanish lesson for today. Wait….did you wait for me? Your siblings are here. Is something wrong?” Said the brown haired girl, making it sound as if nothing had happened, as if she hadn’t cried in the school bathroom for most of the school hours.

“Luz I don’t care about the science project, I was very worried. This morning my parents told me that I looked much more lively, and I believe that the reason for this is you…” Amity was interrupted before she could finish the sentence.

“You mean that we are friends? Do you… want to be my friend?” said the dar haired girl, almost tentatively .

The blue haired girl made a strange face that rapidly morphed into a smile. “I would love to actually!”

Luz made the happiest face imaginable ,but a car honking was heard in the distance. It was Camilia.

“I have to go now! See you tomorrow chiquita!” said Luz while already in movement. Meanwhile Amity watched her walk away in the distance, not even her imminent death could ruin that sweet moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! I have been busy. I must also apologise for the missing image, for whatever reason it won't appear. You can still find it at my tumblr @eda-the-milf-lady .I hope i will be able to keep a regular schedule!


	8. not suffering

Luz didn’t feel the pair of eyes watching her figure depart as she got closer to her mother’s car. It was rare for her to come take her home, at least in had become in the last year.

In those past sad times mental breakdowns in school were almost habitual ,so her mother knew the road to the building by heart. Now the times were different, this wasn’t going to happen again. (or at least that was what she hoped)

Luz entered the flaming red car as if nothing had happened. Sometimes false ignorance feels as the best response. (and for her it actually was)

Camilia smiled in her way, she know that her daughter was going to speak when she was going to be ready, no use pressuring her . That didn’t change the fact that she was completely worried about her ,like always the young girl looked okay, but who knows how many thoughts were plaguing her mind ,constantly messing with her confidence and self worth. She hated this situation.

Even while being a nurse in an hospital she had so many problems understanding people whit a tendency to ‘want to die’. Camilia saw it as such a weird way of thinking, why would anyone just want to give up everything and everyone. There are so many things in life that make it unique and sacred, yet there also exist people who don’t see things that way. If one couldn’t live a happy life because of the suffering that they were going through ,then why risk experiencing something even worse? Camilia had no problem believing in a superior being, or beings, but she didn’t relate to the concepts that were presented in the bible or in any sacred book, if a god was so benevolent why would they let people suffer. She knew that her way of thinking was entirely based around the suffering that she would see while working, what could a small boy of six years old do to deserve cancer? To deserve to die? If a god is so benevolent then so many deaths could have been avoided, but she understood that she had no way to save people from their own desire to end everything.

And then she would look at her daughter and realise how much of a lie that was.

Luz was the star, the sun and the entire universe for her, after the loss they had experienced she realised how important each day was. Luz wasn’t the small girl who has trouble being around people of her age anymore, she also wasn’t the girl who thought that in the end nothing was going to matter, she was in constant change, but she will always be her little querida, nothing could ever change that.

The ride home wasn’t long ,so the mother and daughter arrived to their residence peacefully, even while not having exchanged a word about what had just happened.

“Mom, sorry for what happened today. Those days I have been very busy understanding my own feelings and how to act. I hope it won’t happen again, but thank you for always being supportive, like dad would have. I cried in the school bathroom, yes after such a long time, but I feel better now. Mrs. Clawthorne, the science teacher, helped me.” Revealed Luz to her mother, she knew that talking was important.

The woman listened with care and answered “I am glad that you are feeling better ,but if there is something wrong you can always tell me, I am here for you mi querida. And did you say ‘Clawthorne’? Like Eda?” asked the woman with a surprised look at the concidence

The girl looked surprised ,but said “Well, it must be a coincidence or something. Maybe tomorrow I will finish the science that I told you about! It is coming out as pretty cool!”

“I would love to hear what you and that girl, Amata or something did!”

“MOM! It is Amity and she is very cool!”

“Sure, sure” the woman responded nicely.

Luz changed into her pjs and plopped onto her bed. She already did all the homework, and she had a very ..interesting day, some sleep could help. She checked her messages.

Her classmates had been very nice and asked her how she was feeling and if she needed help, she made sure to thank each and everyone.

Some distant friends also sent some nice and supportive messages.

Gus and Willow sent a string of worried sounding texts. Luz had felt so lonely yet so many people showed her that she was wrong, love could come from anywhere, be it a classmate that she had never spoken to or to the friends that put up every day with her mood swings or even just her personality.

Then there was Amity, a girl that she had seen as distant and ‘different’ ,in a better way, yet she was also worried. She even waited in front of the school, making her siblings also wait, just to see her. SHE ALSO PROPOSED TO BE HER FRIEND! That was so cool of her, now they could do some other things from the list, together obliviously! Maybe the girl with blue hair had never eaten some quality Dominican food, but there is a first time for everything!

It wasn’t very late, yet the day had been tiring so she said ‘good night’ to her mother and to her friends (Amity included obliviously). Finally she was getting some well deserved sleep.

In the morning she ate her breakfast without checking her phone and dressed up in no time. She was excited at the thought of starting a new day, she was going to see her friends and apologise for the behaviour of the day before, she was going to be the nicest and funniest she could be, for her friends and most importantly for herself. Each day was valuable!

Willow stood in front of the school , idly looking at her phone. Her two dads were very cool and would bring her to school by car and they were also extremely nice, Luz obliviously had no problem with the fact that they were two men, and not one female and a male, but love is love! Everyone had some desire to be with the same sex, right? Like she would love to hold Amity’s hand and whisper her cute things, but everyone had those kind of thoughts in the head, right?

She ignored that desire to hold Amity’s hand and greeted her best friend.

“Willow! Sorry for yesterday, I missed you so ,so ,so much! I have read all you messages, believe me I didn’t intend to make you worry, but here I am ,full of love as always !” winked Luz as she pronounced those few words with exagerated arm movements.

“Don’t apologize, we all have those moments, and you especially had some rough moments. That girl is giving you such a hard time! It is not your fault, but she truly is a snake. Well she is pretty , but don’t let that get in your way from seeing the truth that she just wants to use you. Hope that after the science project you won’t be forced to spend time with her. I will make sure of it!” responded her friend.

Luz was taken back by those words, she didn’t see Amity that way at all! She was smart ,kind, pretty, intelligent, handsome, trusting, amazing, pretty, interesting …and so much more! She was no snake.

“Willow… why do you see her that way? I enjoy the time I spend with her, and I believe you would too if you got to know her like I do! If you want we can hang out all three together and listen to some music and bake diary free cookies, so you could get to know her!” tried to say the Dominican girl.

“Look Luz… I am not telling you that she will eat you whole, but she and I have a past together, a not so nice one. I don’t want you to get hurt, but you will always see the good in people won’t you?” laughed softly Willow “You are always the best Noceda, never change”

The bell rang ,so the girls had to depart after saying a small ‘see you later’.

Even as the teacher would speak and explain and show things she just couldn’t concentrate, she wanted to understand Willow’s point of view. Luz moved there when she was eleven , but she knew that Willow and Amity were born in that exact city, maybe they knew each other while they were younger. Not that it was her business in any way, but she wanted her friends to be… friends.

“Noceda, come to the table please” said the professor, interrupting Luz from all her day dreaming.

“Yes, I will” responded as she got up.

All the other hours were similar, literature ,one of the subjects that would usually interest her seemed very boring, but thankfully lunch break was right around the corner.

Luz arrived in the cafeteria and checked her phone from texts from her friends and a surprise waited her.


	9. somehow suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls meet yet again.

A message from Amity waited her when she opened her texts. It was very simple and nice, it said “Good morning mi sol. Is this a good nickname for friends in Spanish?”

Yeah !!! It was amazing!!! (yet she answered with a simple ‘si!! You will become fluent in no time’)

Amity was now calling her ‘mi sol’, she wasn’t ‘weirdo’ anymore, so she wasn’t joking when she referred to her as ‘friend’. It was so cool! The concept of having someone care for her, to be interested in how she was feeling and what she was thinking made her feel special. It was amazing writing a good night text to her friends day after day, just because you wish that they would have genuinely had a good night of rest. Friends also make each other smile, this part was very important ! So from now on Luz had to try even harder to make Amity smile!

“Hi Luz! What is making you smile so hard?” asked Gus as he was sitting down to eat his lunch on the same table. The two wouldn’t meet daily, but their conversations were always interesting .The Dominican girl had never been much interested in fields like antropology or in general human related sciences, but Gus would use them to make any conversation unique. He also was a big fan of witches and the story and places that created them. He was younger than her ,but still extremely smart and resourceful, always trying to find the truth. Luz thought that it was very interesting how he wanted to be as his dad, and like him he could share the truth. History was his favourite subject along with human sciences.

“Amity is officially my friend! We are getting along better and better!” said proudly our protagonist.

Gus didn’t know much about the Blight’s family ,but he respected everyone as much as he could ,so he was happy for Luz and her new friend, even without knowing the other girl. 

Today Willow couldn’t eat lunch with them , as she was busy with a class project, something related to the garden in the back of the school. She knew the name of so many plants! And she was also an amazing cook of diary-free cookies. Everyone was so special and she just couldn’t stop wanting to be friends with everyone around her , obliviously there were cases where that didn’t apply, some people weren’t exactly nice or welcoming, but everyone needed a friend. At first Amity looked cold and distant ,yet she would smile a smile as bright as a warm summer sunny day! That could apply to her other friends, right ?

Even is Amity looked mean she didn’t pick on anyone anymore, or at least that Luz was aware. Maybe now that they were friends she could get an actual confirmation of it, as to be sure that her friend was really as warm as a sunny summer day. That thought process didn’t apply to some other…. Classmates. Boscha in particular would often make fun of Willow, they studied different subjects, yet Boscha would still make time just to be horrible. Why was that ? From all the things one could be, why would anyone choose to be ‘spiteful’? All these thoughts made no sense, but no use in trying to find a reason in all of that. Some people are simply mean.

(was it genetical? Was it a consequence of their upbringing? Was it completely random? Well it doesn’t matter now, her queso frito was waiting)

She keeps having a idle chat with Gus, about everything and nothing at all. She doesn’t care about the topic as much as who is she spending her time with.

The next periods go on like nothing, hours almost wasted .

She has to meet Amity, or better said Chiquita, in front of the library, to work on the science project.

She doesn’t wait too long. When their eyes met Amity’s expression completely changes from a sour and distant look to an almost welcoming one.

They sit at the same table and take all the books and works to analyse. Their chairs are very close together ,Luz can feel the other’s breath on her skin. Their hands almost touch, Luz has no problem with such contact , the pale hands sitting next to her look very appealing ,Amity looks very appealing. (she always does)

“Ok, so basically this is your source ? RI-“ the blue haired teen is interrupted from her stream of thoughts by Luz hand getting closer and closer to her face, a strand of hair was getting in the paler girl eyes.

“Mi Chiquita your hair looks very nice even when it is not tied up! But this particular strand keeps getting in your way, you know it is bad for eyesight! Here ,let me just…” and while saying those simple words she does the even simpler gesture of taking it her and putting it behind her ear.

There wasn’t much commotion in the library, but as this scene was happening the girls felt like the only beings on the entire planet. Just the two of them, living the moment. Not even death could stop them in any way, death doesn’t exist now. Only those eyes staring at each other, completely lost in the other person, completely and utterly melting into a shared smile.

Nothing is eternal so even ‘that’ has an end .

“Yeah Amity this is the link, I saved this on my phone so we could update the project, I can send this to your school email so you can put it directly at the end. Is that ok?” continued the dark haired girl as if nothing just happened, maybe they both just imagined that quiet moment ,those lovable seconds where they were the only ones alive. (But if nothing is eternal does this mean that suffering will also end?)

Amity looked a bit awe-struck for a small moment ,but kept going as always .

While ‘mi chiquita’ was checking for any spelling errors Luz went to the bathroom. The school was very big, the library seemed endless, so many books, so much knowledge sitting at her fingertips, ready to be shared. Still what use is knowledge to someone who desires to have none? Humanity bought so many innovations ,that were surely going to be forgotten one day, yet what did this distant future matter? She was living the present, living for the pleasure of living ,not for the fear of dying, if each day was a new challenge ,each day she was going to live!

(those were some interesting thoughts to have on the way to the bathroom)

As she was washing her hands she couldn’t help, but think about that small… fragment of imagination? Even if it was genuinely real it didn’t matter. How could one describe it? It surely felt very personal? Or was it not? She continued the work they had to do as if nothing happened ,but washing her hands almost felt like washing away those hands that touched Amity’s hair. What is it with bathrooms and those kinds of thoughts? Not even half a week before she was crying about the eternal suffering associated with the basic concept of living ,yet now she didn’t care about those extremely specific self damaging reflection. Well, if she was going to die right there she might have been sad about not saying enough ‘I love you’, yet that didn’t matter. Death could come any moment ,but that didn’t mean that there was no use in living.

(damn those bathrooms and the things that occurred there)

They had almost finished the work and it was getting late, maybe they could start packing things. Today was mostly a revision day, so they had been checking multiple sources. Keeping quiet would have been awkward so Luz was trying to come up with some mindless chatter to get to know the other girl better.

“Mi Chiquita would you like to come eat some quality food by my house? Just like the prompt on the list…” asked Luz, she didn’t understand why but she felt like the other’s answer could be very important, like friends always ask each other to spend the time together, so no biggie, right?

“Really ?” answered a very surprised Amity, and as Luz nodded her head a smile found his way on her face . Most of the time this girl looked so distant and cold, but how could a cold person smile as bright as thousand suns? To smile as cutely as a new born puppy ? To smile in a way that made the entire word better?

Now the girls were waiting in front of the library, for the Blight siblings. The younger girls didn’t pay much attention to the road, the Blight sibling always made quiet the entrance, it would have been very hard not to notice their completely reckless driving.

“Oh Amity ,why does Willow …I am not sure if this is the best term, but does she hate you? She thinks of you badly, I think. “


	10. when is the suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amity reveals her relationship with Willow.

“I…. we were friends once. Extremely good ones ,actually. You are close to her, right?” asked Amity with a tone much different than anything Luz has ever heard her say. Our protagonist nodded, interested in hearing the rest of the story.  
“If you are such good friends with her I suppose that you know that she doesn’t have a mom, instead.. she has two dads. Are you against that Luz?” at first the brown haired girl didn’t understand what she was referring to, but after a few second she comprehended “Amity, are you an homophobe ? Is this what your are trying to tell me?”  
“No! Not at all.. believe me when I say that I am not, but my parents… let’s just say that they don’t sustain it at all, so they prohibited me from hanging out with her. We were great friends once, but I suppose that is now in the past…”  
Luz wasn’t sure how to react, but some awful car honking was heard in the distance, the Blight twins were coming.   
A quick ‘bye’ was said and Luz started walking towards the bus station, so she could go home.

“Hi mama! How was your day at work ?” greeted the young girl, without her usual smile.  
“Good , mi querida. Mh…is something bothering you? Where is your usually bright look? “ asked her mom, now worried about her daughter’s wellbeing. She was there and she wanted to help her.  
“Mom… you know how Willow had two dads? Is.. is that wrong?”  
The woman smiled soflty. “Is this about the girl with the science project? Is she that pretty?”  
“Yes! But wait! Not in that way…. Amity was once Willow’s friend. Like a really good friend, but… her parents didn’t like the fact that she had two dads… is it wrong? You know I never thought about this, but is it wrong?”  
Her mother kindly smiled, her daughter was feeling supposedly very lost ,she was there to help her. She had never thought wrong about anyone based on their sexual orientation and she saw no harm in boys kissing boys or girls kissing girls or anything of this type, so she knew what she was going to say .  
“A lot of people in this word know that there is no harm in this. Being gay doesn’t make you any different than anyone else, so anyone that sees this in a different light is not very understanding of the fact that as long as who you love isn’t doing damage then It shouldn’t be seen as a probl-“ Camilia was interrupted by Luz’s curious remark “Like you and Eda!”   
The mother blushed, she and Eda had a very friendly relationship, that was all, but before she could comment on that she was interrupter yet again “I don’t see any problem with it then. Everyone is free to love who they want to love! I hope Amity understands that as well, being gay doesn’t harm anyone ,thank you mom!   
Luz proceeded to kiss her mother on the cheek and went back to her room.  
Her querida was growing up so fast, her dad would have been proud, but maybe Eda could be proud for him.

“Amity are you an homophobe ? “ texted Luz to her new friend, she didn’t want to associate to a girl that didn’t respect others based on something that was as simple as being attracted to the same sex.  
If Amity would have answered with a ‘yes’, how would their relationship progress further? Yes, you should be friend with people with different opinion, yet a different opinion was a preference between the colour red and yellow, not about someone’s existence. There was no issue with being gay and that was clear.  
The phone made a small sound, for a new notification, it was Amity.  
“No! I am pro for the entire LGBT community” ,said the text, another small sound to notify a message, yet again for Amity.  
“In fact I am a lesbian” followed by the blushing emojiis. So Amity was attracted to women ,so cool!

“Mi chiquita would you like to eat some quality food by my house tomorrow? So we can also check another item for the list !” proposed Luz via text. Amity could be dying any day soon, better start checking items from the list.  
“Yes , I would love to” messaged back Amity, followed by a string of blushing emojiis.

So what food speciality could they eat and prepare? Her mother wouldn’t be home by lunch, so they had to do it themselves. They had a lot of time to cook so they could try doing something somewhat complex, maybe some niños envueltos! It was a food from Luz childhood, one that she absolutely loved, maybe Amity could start to love it too?  
If she was going to cook then she needed the ingredients, thankfully her mother accompanied her to the super market.

“Mhh.. mama? Do you think I will end up burning the kitchen again?” said Luz almost like a joke, but she was still worried for the possibilities.  
“Yeah.. that is a possibility I omitted..” laughed her mother. It was nice getting to do regular things with the people she loved, Luz despised cooking yet every time she would do so with the people she cared she would have fun. Preparing meals took time and checking the oven or the pan every few minutes was repetitive, but just putting some funky beats as a background sound made every thing a little bit better. 

It may seem like a simple thing but sometimes in life you just have to appreciate those small things, be it an Ayesha Erotica song or a hug from someone dear, you never know when it will be the last.

The small family finished all their shopping and returned home with three bags full of foods.   
Luz was very grateful for her mother, she felt understood. Even in bad times she was supportive and tried to handle things at the best of her ability and genuinely cared about her.  
Even if things weren’t the best they would try making them so.

All the foods was organised and the recipe was almost embed into Luz’s mind. She could have a good night of sleep.

Our protagonist stood quietly on her porch ,waiting for the Blight siblings . Most of her homework was already finished, so she didn’t have much on her mind. Her mother already left to work ,and obliviously Luz kissed her goodbye!  
Amity sent her a message saying that she was on her way, and in no time she was actually in front of her. Her siblings seemed very amused about something, maybe it was related to Amity’s red face? Did she have any troubles breathing? Hopefully not!  
“Bye mittens… have fun …” said the twins in unison with a wicked smile.

“Ok Chiquita ! I believe we could try cooking this… in English it translates in ‘ swabbled babys”, but it is extremely tasty, believe me! Here are written all the ingredients ,we kind of have to wrap the meat in cabbage?? Looks and sounds weird ,but judging a book by its cover could be wrong” explained Luz.   
Amity looked interested as she studied the recipe. She was wearing a very cute dress, she was always dressed with style, but this time she looked even better than amazing? How was that possible? Well the girl with blue haired was special. Luz really appreciated her friend!  
Still how was she going to cook with that dress? What if it got stained? Luz had to give her something to put on it, so it couldn’t get any food on it.  
“Chiquita, you are wearing a very pretty dress and it would be a shame for you to stain it, let me lend you something to put over it, like a hoodie maybe? Would you be okay with it?”  
Amity looked a bit distracted by her own thoughts, but as soon as she processed those words she blushed a little.  
“I-I don’t want to disturb! A stain isn’t a problem don’t worry!”  
“Mi Chiquita” started Luz with a very solemn tone “it isn’t absolutely a disturb”.  
“Are you sure? “ the brown haired girl nodded with a dead serious expression. She wasn’t joking, so Amity just had to listen to those kind words from her.

“Mh… do you like this sweater? It is meant to be oversized so it should cover all of you, what do you think?”  
“Yeah… I like it. Oh, thank you Luz. “ shily said Amity ,with a blush covering her entire face.  
“When you done changing I will be waiting ! Take as long as you need!”  
Preparing the meal wasn’t hard and didn’t take long, so there was no reason to cook as early as 10 am. So what could they do? Maybe they could have fun in some other way.

Luz still remembered that one time where Amity came to her house to help her clean ,because her mother had punished her for eating that ice cream with diary. Only a few weeks had passed from then, yet so many things had changed. At first the brown haired girl was so awkward near her friend, yet now they could openly talk and send each other earth emojiis at the end of each sentence, Luz genuinely cared about her friend, and hooped the feeling was reciprocated.

A noise was heard, and as Luz turned around she was very pleased with the sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for this but i don't think i will be able to draw an image every week, sorry!


	11. cooking the suffering into a dish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls start cooking.

Amity stood there with her sweater over her dress. Luz thought it was illegal to look.. like that. She should be arrested for homicide, she was surely leaving her completely breathless.

“Uh…” said Amity after a few seconds of silence.  
“Mi Chiquita, this sweater looks amazing on you, almost as if you were born to wear it. “ answered Luz in a solemn tone. She wasn’t joking.

“I was thinking that it is early for cooking lunch! So…do you want to revise the things that we should do before… the moment comes?” asked tentatively Luz. It was a weird topic to bring up, so she didn’t want to make it any weirder, and Amity most likely understood what she was referring to.  
“Oh.. yes Luz. And also ,about the death thing, it is like? I-” she was at loss of words, completely undecided on how to phrase her thoughts.  
“Do not worry! I want to spend all your last moments together, not even death will be able to stop the little kiss that I want to give you on your nose!” said the dark haired girl as she got closer to her friend and gently placed her lips on her nose.  
Amity thought it was unexpected ,but nice, while Luz was too busy being lost in Amity’s eyes to even dare to think.

“Ok Chiquita… have you ever pulled an all nighter? An entire night wide awake while being with your friends. I personally never done that with friends… “ said Luz in a distant tone “Like Amity I am very happy that you want to be my friend. It is very cool of you? I am not the best at expleaning ,but not everyone enjoys being my friend ,you know? I have a loving mother ,good grades ,yet I have just Willow and Gus… but now there is also you and your precious smile. I am really thankful for everything you do with me ,even if you could spend your time with even better people, you choose me. Even if no amount of thanks could be able to represent how much I appreciate you as a beloved friend.” Exclaimed Luz ,doing her best in finding the appropriate words.

A few moments passed and our protagonist just stared at her own hands, as if they suddenly became the most interesting thing in all the room. She was really reflecting on what she wanted to say next: it was egoistical, horrible and not kind. All things that Luz hated ,yes she should be honest with her friend ,even if it meant showing her a different side.  
“I feel very uncomfortable with.. this. My own thoughts. If you never had developed your disease, if we were never paired for that science project I wouldn’t have become your friend. It is very mean of me, you know? In one way or another I feel happy that you had that disease, thanks to it we started becoming friends. This is very ugly of me, but you are very dear to me.” Pronounced brittly Luz. 

“You know Luz? I understand what you mean. Things in the past are ugly , but they still formed us as a person. I also feel happy for that disease, I met you thanks to it. I should be the one apologizing . T-thank you Luz. You also are very special.”  
“Oh”   
And then they shared a hug, no more words were needed.

After the hug the girls sat on the couch, tights almost touching, like they would do in the library while watching some boing youtube video related to the topic.

Nothing lasts forever ,so even that boring advertisement ended. Then it started a documentary about owls.   
Owls looked very cool and some of them could even do a 360 degree rotation!

“Hey Chiquita, what is your favourite animal?”  
“Uh.. well. I like the way cats are very independent even from their own parents. I wish I was able to do the same ,you know? I wish I could separate myself from the myself that my parents wish for me.”  
“But you are already the version of yourself that you wish you do! It isn’t up to your parents who you are as a person. Remember this !”  
“Yet again… thank you”

“So Chiquita… about learning another language, I forgot to ask you if you already know how to speak another language? Are your parents both American?”  
“Umh, well… my dad is german, while my mother is American. They met in this same city long time ago. I can speak a little bit of german, I can understand it while it is being spoken ,but I don’t have an incredibly rich vocabulary or anything.” Answered Amity.  
“Oh ! That is cool and it also means we can remove an item from the list, but do not worry, I will teach you all the Spanish you could dream of!” spoke Luz with a cheeky grin.  
This time the girl with blue hair didn’t say anything and just smiled.

Most days were hard and almost unbearable for Amity ,yet she could continue living another thousand years just to see Luz and her smile. She was just that unique and dear to her. Maybe she could even not die for her beloved friend.

A strange grumbling sound was heard from Luz’s stomach, lunch was coming.  
“Sorry! Doves are cool and stuff, but I am a bit hungry, maybe we could start cooking?” asked the Dominican girl and her friend nodded her head so the two started making their way to the kitchen.

“Well! First of all… we must separate the cabbage leaves, not that hard, then we should cook them in water ,until they become tender and firm? How? What does that mean?” started explaining Luz.  
“Anyway we must mix garlic, basil ,pepper onion, salt and mis with the meat” said Amity as her friend was already separating the cabbage and putting them in water.

The mix didn’t look that good, but it had yet to be enveloped and cooked.

“Now for the sauce we must simmer some tomatoes and then press them until they become a paste. Pretty easy and it will be tasty!” exclaimed Luz and she took a pan out and covered it in oil.

The next part was preheating the oven, and it also was a real challenge. For one neither had ever done that ,not even once in their life.  
“Maybe we have to open the heat in the oven? But won’t it end up being to warm? And while it is warm aren’t we going to get burnt if we put our hand inside?”  
“Maybe I could call Willow, she is an incredibly talented cook and I am sure she will be able to help” said the brown haired girl.

No answer from Amity, after a few seconds Luz could see why.

“Do you have any plans of making up with her? I am sure that she would understand if you just explained it to her, she is extremely nice. Maybe someday we could hang out all together ,maybe you two could make up.”  
“I…I don’t think so. I hurt her so much. I don’t want her to get her hopes up of me being a good person so I could just dismantle those down, yet again. Even if it was by my parents desire ,I could have acted better. To this day I worry about this, yet I don’t think things will be good again between us.”  
“I hate to bring this up, but if you are going to die maybe you could amend your sins, or something? I don’t mean to offend yet…Even if I don’t completely understand what you do I still believe that you would feel guilty if you died with this still on your mind. However I can force you to do anything, for one I would be very egoistical if I wanted you two to get along just so I could have more friends. Sorry for bringing this up, I understand that you might not want to talk about this. You should live you life as you please!” explained Luz, trying to explain her point.  
“Luz… I understand .I will keep that in mind” responded Amity. “Oh and also it says that by preheating a oven you just have to open the heat to the desire warmth and then close it for the desired time ,so before putting your mixt it is already warmth.”  
“Oh ,thank you. I understand !”

“Yes everything is almost ready, now we must wrap them! I remember when I was younger I used to do this with my dad. We used to cook this before mom could come back home so we could surprise her with a delicious dinner. The ones that I would wrap would always be the worst, but the point of all of that was the moments we spent together, not the food. Mama would really appreciate this…. But let’s see if I got better at wrapping those bad boys!”  
Amity laughef.

After wrapping the mix and waiting those fifteen minutes for it to bake in the oven it was finally ready.  
“Ok… Chiquita open your mouth wide!!”  
Amity reluctantly did as told.  
“So… what do you think?” asked Luz with expectant eyes.  
“Uh… well… it is not my type of dish…”  
Our protagonist started loudly laughing, after the work put her dear friend didn’t like it. No problem, more for herself!  
“Don’t worry ! This just means that we will have to find some other Dominican dish ,that you will actually enjoy this time!


	12. eating pizza and suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The small lunch together becomes a sleepover.

“Man… the kitchen is an absolute mess… sorry…” said Amity coyly.  
She wasn’t even joking, her surroundings were something else, but at least nothing caught fire. (yet)  
“Do not worry! I will clean everything, you can go relax a bit, don’t worry about it!” exclaimed Luz. She wanted to have fun with the blue haired girl, she deserved to be happy ,at least before her death, so she was going to do this, nothing could ever stop her wish to make her friend smile.  
“Luz, no. I also made this mess, I enjoy helping you. Last time it was very fun, maybe you can put some other non-christian music ,with lyrics so dirty that make the kitchen counter look clean. So tell where do I put the sesame oil that we used to cook.” Responded Amity ,with a very serious tone.  
At those words Luz couldn’t help ,but accept her proposal. Maybe Anaconda by Nicki Minaj was vulgar enough?

“Mi Chiquita, it is starting to look again like a regular kitchen. So… have you ever laughed until your stomach hurt? Like have you ever seen something so funny that your stomach just went and felt like it was stabbed?”  
The blue haired girl seemed to be a little lost in her own world. Who knows what her big brain was thinking?  
“Honestly, every time I am with you I end up like that. A lot of people have told me that I look very serious or cold, but I don’t know how to act any different. I have done a lot of things that I regret, for example I hurt Willow and so many bad things. Even up to a month ago I used to bully other people. Do people like me really deserve to laugh until their stomach hurt?” answered Amity.  
“Yes, but for all of this things you can amend. Feeling bad and shaming yourself won’t change anything.” Answered sternly Luz.  
The girls kept a silence between them, each lost in their own emotions as a dumb song played.

(Amity was still wearing Luz’s sweater, still looking like the cutest human on earth)

“Mi amor! I am back. How was your day?” said Camilia as she stepped inside after her morning shift at work.  
“Oh! Mom ,remember the girl I told you about ? The pretty one that I am doing the science project? “  
“Amata, right?” tried saying Camilia.  
”MOM! Her name is Amity ! She is very cool and smart and interesting and amazing!”  
“Hello Mrs. Noceda. I am Amity, pleased to meet you. Your daughter has told me so much about you. You seem like an amazing mother. Thank you for gifting the world with an amazing perso-oh sorry that was a little weird” stuttered an Amity as red as a tomato.   
Camilia was very amused about that little exchange. “Do not worry young girl, my daughter has told me amazing things about you as well, she is really interested in you”   
So yet again Amity was as red as a ripe tomato.

The girls moved to Luz’s own room.  
“Wow! Those decoration look so cool…is that an Azura the witch poster?” asked the blue haired girl as she stepped into the room.  
“Yeah… sorry if it is a bit messy, ignore the chair with all the clothes on it. Oh.. my bed is a bit small ,but it would be comfier than standing, I want to show you this cat video? I love them! You said that you liked them as well ,right?” answered Luz.  
“Yeah I like them. If you want you can show me them.”

So the girls ended up on the relatively small bed, looking at some youtube channel about kittens, completely lost in in the sweet purrs.

“Luz ,Amata what would you like to eat for dinner? Would you like to buy some pizza ?” asked mrs.Noceda as the girls kept looking at cat videos in Luz’s room. The two teens had made a few drawing of that one witch with blue hair, the one with all the books ,and they also discussed about that one book that still has to end.  
Camilia was happy about Luz’s new friend. She looked healthier and her smile seemed to shine a little stronger near that girl with colored hair.  
“Yeah! Pizza time!” answered Luz.

“Mi Chiquita I know that it may seem early for pizza ,but to get to the pizza place that has some diary free pizzas we should do a long walk, so we can start going anytime you feel hungry!”  
“I would love to eat pizza, but I don’t want to disturb your family ! I don’t want to overstep any boundaries ,so I can call by siblings so they can bring back home. “ Answered Amity.  
“What? You aren’t overstepping any boundaries, you can even sleep here! It would be so cool!” exclaimed Luz, she enjoyed spending time with her new friend!  
“I can? Really?”  
“Absolutely!” 

And so Amity informed her parents with some elaborate excuse and she was going to have her first sleepover!   
“Oh.. I don’t have any pj…” said the blue haired teen.  
“No problem! Take mine!”

Camilia was very happy about the news ,so the girl started making their way to the pizzeria.  
“What is your favourite pizza topping?”  
“Well my parents don’t let me eat such junk food often ,but I like everythin-” was saying Amity before abruptly stopping.  
“Umh? What is it Chiquita?” asked a very confused Luz.  
“Oh Luz. Funny seeing you here. With Amity?” said Willow. She was in the same pizzeria, it also was one of her favourite.  
“Oh. Hello Willow.” Answered a very imbarassed Amity.

Few second of pure silence passed.   
“Willow, do you want to eat pizza with us? What do you think Amity?” Asked Amity as she reconcile the strange vibe that everything had.  
In the end the girls nodded.

While the pizza was being cooked the teens sat at a small table.  
“Willow, how have you been? How are the plants growing?” questioned the brown haired girl ,trying to ease the uncomfortable vibe.  
“Well.. they are growing quiet nicely, for example this one is-“  
“SORRY WILLOW” suddenly said Amity.  
“A lot of years have passed , but I am sorry. I know that I did some horrible actions to you, I am sorry for making fun of you. I want to let you know that I don’t mean any of the mean words I told you. I am not asking you to forgive me, but my parents didn’t like your dads. I am sorry for my actions, you don’t have to forgive me ,but I want to amend what I did. I hope one day I will be able to properly apologize.” Continued a very distressed looking Amity.  
“Ok. I must admit that you seem to make Luz happier, and I suppose .I won’t forgive you yet, but I will tolerate you. If you want a piece of my pizza you could ask, maybe one day I will accept your apology. But.. thank you .We won’t be back to what our eight year old self were, yet I know that your parents are ,honestly speaking, extremely dumb .I hope you aren’t an homophobe or anything, or that you want to hurt Luz!” Answered Willow, with a tone so severe that the Dominican girl almost couldn’t manage to recognize.  
“Yeah… they are stupid, but I love Luz! Wait- like i don’t like love Luz, but like? Ahh” answered a very embarassed Amity.  
And for the first time in as long as Amity could remember she managed to make Willow smile. Maybe she could get used to that, maybe she could be happy. Maybe.

“Oh! Here comes the pizza!”  
So in the end Luz carried the conversation about any topic that interested her. Amity and Willow didn’t speak much to each other, and surely they weren’t friends, by any way, but it was a start.

Willow’s parents ended up giving a lift to Luz and her friend with blue hair.  
“Did you girls have fun? I prepared a matress in your room mi querida, so you can sleep in the same room as Alessia” greeted Camilia once the girls came back home.  
“MOM! Her name is Amity!” explained yet again Luz as her mother smiled fondly.

“Look! I have those animal pj, if you want you can have the cat one and I can take the rabbit one.. if you want of course.” Said Luz as she held two animal onesies in her hands.  
“I think I will take the cat one, I will go change in the bathroom ,ok? “ answered the girl with brightly colored hair.  
“Ok!”

The girls changed into the pj, but it was too early to sleep, yet to late to watch tv.  
“Luz, I was wondering at which time will your dad come home? Do I have to call him Mr.Noceda?”  
“Umh? I.. well he isn’t here” answered Luz with a strange expression.  
“Oh? Does he work in another country or something ?That sounds so cool!”  
“Amity he won’t come home. He is dead”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had lost of troubles with how i portrayed Amity and the way she apologizes, but in the end i feelk like she would have kind of desired to amend to her wrongdoings.


	13. not caring for the suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz and Amity spend some other time together, and even more secrets are revealed.

“I am very sorry! I shouldn’t have asked! “ exclaimed a now very awake and sorry Amity.  
Luz very distant, a look that her face wasn’t made to show.  
“Don’t worry, I got over it. At first I was absolutely broken, like anyone would be. I cried so much! I was very close to my dad, you know? He would help me do my homework, he worked in a factory yet he would try to spend as much time as he could with me. He died a few years ago, but my memories of him are crisp and still feel very real. The worst part, do you know what it is?” at those words Amity shook her head, she didn’t dare interrupt her friend.  
“Some days I forget that he is dead. I just wake up and wonder what he will cook for dinner, or what film we will watch on tv while mom tries to tell us to sleep, because it is late, and then reality hits me hard, so ,so hard… But I still go on with all of these feeling , even if he isn’t here. I started feeling so bad that I stopped going to school, I wouldn’t get up from the bed, I wouldn’t see a reason to. Yet.. one day my mother sent me to counselling ,to this doctor. It took me quiet some time for it to actually help me, I even missed so many days of school, yet I am still alive. I am breathing, I am existing and I will keep existing for as long as I can, for him, and most of all for myself. The day he died we were going to buy an ice cream to that one shop, I was going to take the lactose intolerant one ,but I would have wanted to taste the one that my dad would have bought with actual milk and we would have had so much fun, even as my tummy hurt. Obliviously that never happened. I regret his death, I wish we could have had even just another hour together, I would hug him so much. This is why I want to spend so much time with you. I don’t want to look back at your death and feel remorse. I want you to have as much fun as possible, together if you let me. I want to eat that ice cream at that one place together. I want to go to the park together and to swing again on those swings, I want to see you laugh as I say a dumb joke, I would love if we could get to show the project we did together to the teacher. I wish at least that.”   
“Luz, believe me we will show the project together, and Mrs. Clawthorne will compliment us. I won’t die yet.” Said a very serious Amity.  
“How can you be so sure? How can I tell that you aren’t saying those things just to comfort me ,even just temporally?”  
“Trust me, I won’t die yet.”  
Amity answer’s wasn’t heard by her friend. She was so tired that she couldn’t help but fall asleep, so she did just as her .

“Good morning mi Chiquita! How did you sleep?” said a very energic sounding Luz, even as she was covered in covers ,with her face as the only thing visible.  
“Umh? Oh… good morning to you too Luz. I had a very nice sleep. “ answered Amity as she yawned ,stretching her arms upwards.  
“Do you want to have breakfast? From the way it smells my mother is already getting busy…” proposed our protagonist and her friend nodded.

“Hm.. Good morning Mrs. Noceda. I hope you had a very good night of sleep. Oh and thank you for the breakfast, you are extremely nice.” Said Amity with all the courage she could muster, she wanted to look good in front of Luz’s mother, yet Luz didn’t think much of it, the girl with colored hair was just being polite, or something.

“Mama, you just can’t understand this cat! Like it looked so fluffy? And made the cutest sound, do you think our project will end up taking a good mark? The science one is the one I am talking about.”  
“You two girls have put a lot of efforts for it, I am sure that Mrs. Clawthrone will love your work. Isn’t it already finished ?” answered Camilia as she served the pancakes.  
“Yeah, we just have to overlook it just once and then we can say that it is officially completed. I really wish to get a good grade for it, thanks to it we became friends. Just imagine that someone else was chosen as your work partner, we just would have never talked to each other.”  
“The topic was also very unique. Do you think that what we wrote could also be applied to human? You know the part with the importance of the place you grow as a factor that influences your entire being, not only physically and externally but also internally. Humans may be more complex animals, yet in the end they are just animals .I also suppose that the social status influences, even if it doesn’t exist in nature a society as complex as us we can assume this.” Said Luz between bites of pancakes.  
“As a nurse I can assure that this happens .If one patient has a disease that the parents refuse to acknowledge ,or they simply say that it doesn’t matter it will strongly influence in the way the patient views themselves and their health issue. Even if it becomes very worrying and dangerous.”  
“Thank you Mrs. Noceda for the imput. Oh and for everything else” explained a red faced Amity, was she feeling well? Luz was almost worried of her friend’s red cheeks.

After a mighty breakfast the girls got back into Luz’s room to repeat history.  
“Ah ! Amity did you know that Oscar Wilde also liked people of the same sex? He was very cool and he wrote ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’, I love that book!” said Luz between history paragraphs.  
“Luz ,this my be awkward, but do you like girls? Oh god sorry! You don’t need to answer I shouldn’t !’’ said the girl with colored hair ,as she blushed .Her face looked as hot as a sunny summer day, Luz couldn’t help but laugh.  
“Mi Chiquita there is no problem with being gay! But to answer your question, I might be” explained the Dominican girl with a cheeky smile, not thinking much about her own words.  
“Oh.. well let’s repeat this paragraph, shall we?’’ tried saying Amity, to change the subject.

After an hour of repeating history they decided to take a break.  
“If we want to go out we will have to change, I think you will have to wear that hoodie, I don’t want you to catch a cold! Oh, if you don’t like it we can find something else in my wardrobe, no problem!”   
The girls wanted to take a walk outside before it would rain. Amity’s siblings would take her home in a few hours so they wanted to enjoy as much time as they could.  
“Oh? Thank you Luz!”

“Ok, so I was thinking about the list, and I realised that I had to change the part with ‘having a boyfriend’, I have to correct it with ‘have you ever had a girlfriend’ right?” asked Luz between pieces of conversation.  
“Umh? Yeah…. But I don’t think I will ever be able. I like a girl, but I don’t think she likes be back. I really love every second we spend together, yet I don’t think she sees me that way, you know? I don’t even deserve her. She is just too much. I hurt her a lot in the past, I don’t want to hurt her again.”  
Luz felt something rise in her chest as she heard those words. It was a strange ting to her heart.  
“Don’t you dare speak of yourself like that Amity ! You are human, everyone makes mistakes, and you even try to amend them. Willow said that she knows you can change , and I also know that you can! If she doesn’t appreciate you as she should it is her loss, absolutely not yours. You are my… Luz de mi vida! I know that I am not her ,but you are very important to me! You may die soon ,but I wont forget you!” said a very determined Luz.  
“I-I thank you.” Answered the blue haired teen, with strong surprise on her features.

The walk was aimless, it was just for fun, but it started raining.   
Thankfully the girls were prepared, so Luz opened her pink and blue umbrella.  
“Oh no! I took the small umbrella, we will have to stay very close together! Sorry Chiquita!” said Luz as she opened the device. They weren’t close to any buildings that could cover them, and the girls were to far from home.

So they stood extremely close, feeling each other’s breath, their hands touching. Amity was still wearing Luz’s swearer. No words were needed, everything became useless in the face of this small act of intimacy.


	14. is love a form of suffering?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luz comes to a conclusion.

“So… what do you think?” asks Luz with a very expectant look.  
“Your mom is very nice, I can see where you have taken your amazing look and personality. She also seems very respectful of your choices, sometimes I wish my mom would be like that as well. From the way you spoke about your dad he also seemed very nice, I am sorry that the earth has lost an angel as pure as him.” Answered Amity, while doing articulate hand gestures to explain the point. Which looked very cute.  
“Actually I was asking about your ice cream mi Chiquita, but thank you for appreciating my amazing looks! You also are incredibly beautiful!” laughed softly our protagonist as her friend’s face turned into a tomato like color. Maybe her face often getting red is a sign of her disease.  
She wasn’t going to ask, she wanted to pretend that they were going to be immortal and spend their life together, like friends do. (yet why did the word friend seemed not to suit her feeling)

“Eating ice cream as it rains. Us alone and the chocolate bits in the diary free ice cream, yet I don’t care ,your company could make each moment into a symbol of joy. You are truly unique.”

The girls calmy walked back to Luz’s house after the rain ended ,soon the Blight twins were going to arrive.  
“I really had fun with you! I am sorry that we didn’t resist all night together … sorry that we ended up sleeping instead…”   
“I also had so much fun, but don’t worry… we will get to pull an all nighter together! If you want of course…!” said coyly Amity. Her smile was even more radiant when she was happy, that is what friendship does ,right?  
“The project is finished, so we don’t have to meet in the library everyday. “ Stated Luz in a sad tone. She wanted to meet the blue haired girl as often as she could, but she also didn’t want to be a bother.  
“If you want …you can show me some other Dominican food. Maybe I will like it. Oh..and the list? Like don’t feel pressured into completing it with me or any-“  
“Really? I WOULD LOVE TO! ” borderline screamed Luz out of joy as she held her friends hands. They were warm and soft and nice ,just as the person which they belonged to.  
Yet again they held each other’s hands while looking into each other’s eyes, and yet again a strong car honking was heard, the twins were there.  
“Bye ! See you on Monday mi Chiquita!”

“That Atlanta girl is very nice and respectful. She also seems very interested …” tried saying Camilia, before being interrupted by “Interested in what?” from Luz.  
No answer from her mother’s part . Just a weid face.  
“Interested in you mi querida.”  
Luz brows were raised so high that they might have highjacked an airplane or something alike.

The brown haired girl, now very confused, didn’t answer her mother and instead went straight to her room to open her phone and search on google “how to tell if a girl likes you”. That was the best way to know, by asking the internet. Wikihow was the first result, ready to help.

“Step 1: Watch her body language”  
Amity was very open? Like yes she was leaning her way , maybe she had some hearing problems? She seems to do that only with Luz, so maybe she liked her ?

(but why should that matter ? Why was Luz so interested in those Wikihow steps?)

“Step 2:Pay attention to eye contact”  
Yes, they would often stare into each other’s eyes. It was just because Amity had those yellow pupils, that would shine so nicely in any way the sun would hit them. Then she also had that eyeliner wing, it always looked so crisp, but Amity was so talented that she did an amazing job in everything . Her eyes were just so expressive? They could show so many things, so many emotions, so many unique ways of just being. Of being amazing.  
So the fact that they would often look into each other’s was understandable, it was natural for Luz to be attracted to something so pretty, but why would Amity look at her then? Another mystery.

“Step 3 : Notice if she touches or tries to get closer”  
Well that was mostly the brown haired girl. She wanted to be as close as possible to her friend, she wanted to feel her warmth and her soft voice. She was just full of love for her. Like friends ,right ?  
Amity also would often get close, but Luz didn’t want to take that in account.

“Step 4: Notice if she randomly hugs you”  
Honestly Luz would love if she actually did that. She would love to be close to her. But she would do that for all her friends probably. (?)

“Step 5:See if she mirrors you moves”  
She does actually. When they first stood at two different ends of the library table it would be like that …..

“Step 6: Notice if she touches her hair often”  
Honestly she always tried to fix her hair or something, maybe it is because it is colored? Luz had never been an expert in that type of stuff, so maybe there was an explanation different that being madly in love with your friend that was going to die soon for an unknown disease.

“Stet 7:Look for signs of nervousness or fidgeting “  
Well.. that might have been true. She always looked so uncomfortable around her, while with others she acted normally? With other she looked most of all cold and distant, making her radiating smile almost absent from other’s people memories, and it was such a loss, yet near Luz se would even blush, or at least that was the reason she would get as red as a tomato? Maybe that was an actual sign.

In the end no matter what the guide would say, how would she be affected by that? Why was this feeling so important? Why did it matter so much what Amity felt for her, would she act any different around her?   
Let’s say that Willow would have had a crush for her ,how would she react?  
Considering the fact that it was Willow she already loved her ,but as a friend. Anyway they still be friends and they would have loved each other, just in a different way. A friendly, almost siblinesque love. The same applied for Gus. So why was it such a fuss that Amity might have feelings for her? 

Why would she answer differently? This was the actual question that plagued her mind. She wouldn’t refuse her blue haired ‘friend’, so if she wouldn’t refuse her, what would she do?

And why was ‘kiss her’ the only answer that she could imagine?

Ok ,maybe Luz liked girls, maybe Amity did too.   
Maybe Luz liked Amity, maybe Amity did too.  
Those words kept dancing in her head ,almost as a chant, a secret spell, with an unknown response.

So she did what her young brain thought as best and she sent a message to Eda, her ex therapist (the one that Camilia liked more than friend like). It was hard trying to put her thoughts into words, so she ended up writing “I am gay and in love”.   
Eda’s response wasn’t instantaneous , but it was funny at least, a simple “so am I, what is the problem?”

Luz’s awkwardness disappeared a bit. Eda was very cool and she also was gay and in love, so that was amazing, yet the problem wasn’t if it was cool or not, but how to react.   
Before she could write another text another notification arrived ,from Eda.   
“If this is for Amity I am sure that she feels the same. Don’t stress to much kiddo, you will get a cute girlfriend!”

Sometimes Luz felt like Eda was a witch, or had some kind of magic power, she always knew what to say to make her feel better. Tomorrow ,she decided, she was going to confess her love. Yeah!

The night’s sleep was restful and Luz felt ready to face the day. Even if Amity was going to refuse she wanted to let her know! Her love couldn’t be contained!

All the lessons seemed so simple or was the energy she felt so powerful that everything seemed better? (maybe it wasn’t the energy as much as the love)

Today they weren’t going to meet for lunch, Amity had some work to do, but they were going to meet to go to the library. The moment was getting closer and closer !

Ring!!!  
Nothing was as important as what was going to come. As the bell rang ,the school day had ended,she sprinted towards the library and Amity came after a few minutes.

“Amity …mi Chiquita…I like you! I can’t contain it anymore!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I belive the next chapter will be the last. After that i will make a oneshot from Amity's perspective of the entire story.


	15. no more suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The series comes to an end.

Amity smiled at her.  
“I… you aren’t joking ,are you Luz?” asked the blue haired girl.  
Her ‘friend’ shook her head “I wouldn’t lie to you. I never realised how dear you are to me. Your existence is what makes mine have sense, you are my purpose. I want to spend so much time as I can ,day after day I want to be with you ,even if you have that disease. I don’t care about your death, I just want to see you happy” said Luz while trying to convey in words her immense feelings, yet no amount of phrases could convey the love she felt.  
“I-… Luz… I feel the same for you. And I have liked you…. for so many months. If you have ever felt a pair of eyes staring trough you at lunch time, they were mine. I remember the first time we met on the corridors ,you were standing near Willow. You looked just so peaceful, you are always trying your best and this is what appears, I never forgot when we bumped into each other and you looked at my Azula book, and you said it looked cool. I have liked you for so long. I … you are my heart gretest desire…”  
And then they kissed, right in front of the school library.(just as they should have)

The girls entered the structure while holding hands, yet feeling so much lighter, almost as if her body was finally completed.  
Silence, laughter and sweet words, all in the span of two hours in the library.

“Amity… so are we like girlfriends? “  
“Umh… yes. Like if you want” answered her cherry faced friend, she had never felt such strong feeling for someone that wasn’t a family member, she didn’t even have any friends.  
“OK girlfriend… here is a kiss!” 

It was the time to depart, such a sweet sorrow for those two lovebirds.  
“Luz.. I want to be completely honest with you. I am not going to die.”  
“Uh? What do you mean?” asked her (girl)friend ,now very aware of everything that could continue those words.  
“Did you know that people with depression who have a strong support system often end up recovering? The simple concept of being less ‘lonely’ is fundamental in feeling better, less sad. In my case I developed it as a child, my parents could have done a better job, but most likely it also was a genetic factor. Depression can also be shown trough anger, by that I am not trying to excuse my horrible past action, my intention is to give you a ‘bigger picture’, so you can understand what I mean. I don’t know when I started suffering from it, I just know that I am diagnosed and all, I am not joking at all, I speak only truth. I spent so many months wishing to die, just wishing not to wake up after a long night of sleep. I despised waking up, knowing that I had to live yet another day, another day of feeling bad ,stuck in my own prison mind. I lived because I wasn’t brave enough as to …you know… end it all. I saw you from afar, I admired you is a better way of putting it. I lived so many cloudy days, and in all of them you were my sun .I know that we have started speaking just recently, but I have always felt drawn to you, to your cute smile in philosophy class… to your physical ability at PE, just to everything that made you …well you. Your smile wasn’t fake, wasn’t forced, it was your smile. Even after having such a bad reputation… you know with the way I treat people… you still saw the good in me, you still liked me. I am not saying that my depression is gone or anything like that, but I see in you a reason to go further, to try my best each day, I want to make you proud, I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I finally have a reason to wake up everyday, I want to be someone worthy of your love”  
“You already are”

Now that they were girlfriends Luz absolutely had the privilege of having heart emojiis written near her name ,it was law.  
“Mi Chiquita!! Do I get the heart emojiis now?” was the simple text, with an even simpler purpose.  
“Yeah. Actually the heart emojiis have been here for long. I have liked you for so long that not adding them felt wrong. ”  
“Oh!!!!!!!! You are the cutest !!!!!!!”

“Good morning class. Today is the day: let’s see your works, I trust that they are going to be great, we have repeated the argument in various instances and you have had a lot of time. So ..does anyone want to go first?”  
Amity and Luz exchanged a glance, they had done a fantastic work and they also were prepared, no worry.  
“Here mrs.Clawthorne .Our work was related to the way the ambient shapes and influences the individual ,seen as an animal.”  
“Ok… so Ms. Blight and Noceda. Let’s hear it!” said the teacher, ready and very interested in how the subject was handled by the two. From the start she knew that Ms. Blight was very much interested in her friend and both the girls were very smart. Their project was most likely going to be one of the best.

“In this slide we wanted to focus on this experiment done to show the relation with our environment ,by using as an example the animals at the zoo and their relation with their acts”

“This is very important as a concept. The same way the environment shapes animals it also shapes un-living things, this is clear with the under water ambient ,but also with rocks. The process related to unliving things takes much longer.”

“Humans are not immune to this. We are also shaped by our family and friends and even people we don’t know at all”

“Together we can understand each other better and how we are shaped by our experiences.”

“Amazing work Blight and Noceda. I would have focused a little less on the way it impacts humans ,but the correlation is clear and this is stated clearly and the point shown are interesting. Almost top mark.”

It was lunch time, today Willow was going to be there too.  
“Well Amity… do you want to eat at our table? I believe you are trying your best and Boscha is such a nuisance, I can’t stand her.” Said Willow almost conversationally.  
“So …you are okay with having me be near you? THANK YOU” said Amity out of pure reflex.  
“Yes. We aren’t best friends ,but as I said you are trying your best and I appreciate it. Thanks.”

“Do you see Amity? Do you see it ?” excitedly asked Luz.  
“What should I see?”   
“The beauty. It is everywhere. All of this is nice, could be better, but we should make it better together. The birds are chirping. The meal sucks ,but I am with you. I am sure that my dad is proud of me. Eda is going to ask out officially my mom. Maybe things may seem to workout, but we can always try to make it workout. I want to make things better, I want to make things better… with you. With the people I love.”  
Amity doesn’t know how to answer ,doesn’t even need to. She just holds Luz’s hands tighter, it is the only thing she needs to do.

Maybe Amity’s depression didn’t magically disappear, maybe her parents could be more accepting. Maybe she could be a better person, a better girlfriend for Luz and a better friends for anyone who needs.  
Maybe she could live everyday, because everyday is good.  
Maybe she is going to do that.  
No maybe, she is. Together they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to winter break i may be able to write a one shot from Amity's point of view all across the story and end it with a small epilogue.
> 
> I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR EACH OF YOU !!!THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING, READING, LEAVING KUDOS!


	16. true happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, showing Amity's point of view to get a little more insight into her mind and her feelings.

Cool, yet again another boring day at school. How unique and original. Yet again uninteresting lessons.

Oh. There also was Willow. Now the day wasn’t boring, it was uncomfortable AND she was feeling bad for her actions, without having the chance to improve.

Amity was so distracted by her own hateful thoughts that she didn’t realise that she was going straight into Willow’s direction. So she bumped into her friend, the cute girl that took some of her classes as well.  
“Oh! Sorry!” said the dark brown haired girl after bumping into her.  
“Watch your step.” Answered Amity. Yet she still gave to the other girl her fallen books. One had a cool design, something with a witch named Azula, maybe she could check it out. Not like she had enjoyed anything in a while.

(maybe the book was actually interesting) (not that it mattered)  
_

Willow’s friend actually had a name, it was Luz. She had an interesting ethnic background, and for whatever reason she seemed to be the only person that mattered at the cafeteria. Or at science class. Or at P.E.  
Whatever.

_

Luz was also so smart, and nice .  
“Hey !Watch out where you are stepping weirdo!” maybe wasn’t the nicest thing to say after they colluded, yet what else could she do? At this point her hatred for everything was the only way she knew to do, yet Amity didn’t care to improve. (or maybe she didn’t have the courage to)

It was lunch time. And she kept looking in one specific direction.  
What made Willow’s table so enchanting? What made her differ from the other tables?   
Boscha was just so boring and randomly mean, but maybe everyone at her own table was like that (Amity included)  
GOD. Her eyes met Luz’s ones. Her face was burning. Why was that? Why did it matter?  
(why did everything involving nicer people feel so much better than her won loathing?)

If there existed a god they must have had fun. Pairing Amity with no other than Luz for the science project..  
“Amity !Amity! Please wait a second !” exclaimed her science partner.  
“What is it?” snarled Amity on reflex.  
“I.. uhmm .. you know that we have to do the science projects.. so when are you free ..so we can do it together?” shily asked Luz.  
“Don’t bother I will just do all the work on my own and then I will give you the parts that you need to study, ok?” Amity didn’t mean to sound so cold, yet at that point she didn’t know any better.  
“But I want to do this project.. with you. It is a group project, we have to work together…” said the brown haired girl, with a meek voice.  
“Urgh. ..Ok , meet me at the library in ten. Don’t be late weirdo”

It was pretty awkward ,they had never properly spoken ,but Luz was putting a lot of effort, so maybe it was going to be maneageble.

The girls were putting so much effort and attention. Maybe it was going to be a nice project, if just her bladder wouldn’t send her to the bathroom in a dash.  
“Do you mind if I go to the bathroom?” asked Amity “Oh and can you search in my backpack for this small book ,there I keep all the notes, included the science ones, it could be useful”.  
“Sure can do!” said the other teen as her ‘partner in school work’ went to the bathroom.

After checking her eyeliner she made her way back to the table and she met Luz, with an incredibly serious look.  
“Uhm.. Amity I accidentally read you diary.. and I want to help you!!” blurted out Luz. The color from Amity’s face drained.  
“I was searching for the other notebook that you told me about, and I thought that this was it but.. I was wrong, clearly. But I want to make a oath with you! I will try to make your last days the best as possible!”  
“Why would you make this oath? To a stranger no less?” said a very confused Amity.  
“You are no stranger, and I want to give everyone the best life ,including you so.. if you just let me !”

Seconds passed.

“Thank you wei-Luz.. maybe you could help me”

(Why did she agree?)

_

The girls settled for some ice cream after doing some of the work .Luz led the way.  
“Luz… aren’t you lactose intolerant?” the girl with the colored hair asked. Luz made a very surprised face.  
“At least I heard so… haha” said Amity as soon as she realised what did she say, why did she knew so much about Luz?  
“As much as I am lactose intolerant I still enjoy icecream, it might kill me, but if I die doing what I like I die like I always wanted to”said Luz in a very assertative tone.

The blue haired girl almost smiled.

The conversation hit various argouments, even her favourite book ‘Azula the good witch’.  
Luz not only looked pretty ,but also was an amazing person, she even made an oath to give her a better life AND she wasn’t a mean joke from her siblings!

_  
For some strange reason that night Amity slept peacefully,  
_

God! Why did Luz eat that ice cream, even as she was lactose intolerant? At least they were going to meet at her house to clean.  
For the first time in such a long times she was looking hopefully to the future.

Her siblings took her there and they didn’t ask many questions about Luz. (good)

They cleaned the house with Ayesha Erotica in the background. It was nice, but the omblette was even better. Maybe there actually things to look for in life. Things that make you happy. Maybe Luz was one of them.  
(the thoughts were extremely poetic because the view from the park they visited was nice) (maybe the view was actually Luz’s smile )

_

For a while Amity felt better. It took a while to recognize the reason.

_

For as long as she could remember Amity hated PE, yet ecverytime she would score her team and Luz would cheer. It was nice receiving that much appreciation.

(that same night Luz offered to make a list of things Amity could do before her death, it was hard not to start to cry aftrer such nice dedications)

_

“So Amity have you ever pulled an all nighter, learnt another language, ate food from another nation ,kissed someone, had a boyfriend, told someone that you love them, laughed until your stomach hurt, repaired a relationship ,did something illegal, went to a concert, watched a really ugly film just to make fun of it, took part in volunteering work, flied on a plane, ate something on a plane, touched a frog, wrote a book of your memories ,went to a festival and some other….What do you think?”  
“Are you going to help me do all of this? Just to help me feel better before dying? I can’t accept, you should live your life fully ,not help me do that !”  
“I want to live my life fully the way I desire, and I desire to spend your last moments near you, it is not up to debate I am going to give you the best time of your life, you deserve it. No arguing” said Luz in a tone so serious it seemed not to belong to her.  
“Thank you… for all”

_

“Còmo estàs?” said Luz once they met at the library.  
When Amity heard those words she turned around and saw Luz, she was taking very seriously the promise of doing all those activities with her. She still couldn’t believe how a human could be so nice as to genuinely do all those points on the bucket list.  
“Yo estoy bien, y tu?” continued the dark haired girl, but Amity didn’t answer, she was too lost in Luz’s smile.

(Amity was starting to think that calling Luz a friend wasn’t enough for her, she wanted more, but what was more?)  
_  
Did anything truly matter? Why put so much effort into anything if she was just going to die?  
_

She fell into such a routine that the moment a very angry Willow presented herself she was very surprised. Luz was having a mental breakdown in the bathroom. What could she do? How could she help? Was it her fault?  
“Luz, it is me Amity. Willow says that I caused this, I came to apologize ,sorry, please tell me what was my mistake so I could be and do better. I mean this , please know that you are very dear to me. You are so kind, you constantly support me and your oath to give me a better life is incredibly sweet. You are incredibly sweet, with anything that you do. If you want I can ask the teacher to give you a better partner , no problem for me , I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore”

“You see me as a friend?”

“Yes I do!” responded Amity, but in the end she didn’t recievie any answer. Hopefully there was going to come a responsibnle adult to help Luz.

_  
That night Amity couldn’t sleep. The guilt of her own answer made her desire to die, right there and right now.  
_

From afar Amity looked at Luz and Willow discussing. The day before the girl with blue hair was clueless on how to help her struggling friend, yet she didn’t do more that wait for the other girl to feel better.  
Should she send a text to Luz? She read somewhere that in Spanish you can use ‘mi sol’ to express endearement and the words meant ‘my sun’. Luz meant light and she genuinely was a ray of light in a dark night. She was almost the centre of the universe.

Later in the library Amity didn’t seem able to concentrate. The girls sat to close to each other, she was incredibly aware of each other’s presence, she felt so intimate. It was almost like a hug. Yet was Luz feeling the same way?   
(those thoughts seemed to be the obnly thing capable of being in her mind)  
“Mi Chiquita would you like to come eat some quality food by my house? Just like the prompt on the list…” asked Luz, she didn’t understand why but she felt like the other’s answer could be very important, like friends always ask each other to spend the time together, so no biggie, right?   
“Really ?” answered a very surprised Amity, maybe thewre was hope for everyone.

She was so happy that the question about Willow came and hit her like a truck to remind her the crude truth. She was a bad person, she did so much wrong, she wasn’t ready for Luz’s friendship.  
(but maybe she could change, in the end she admitted her relationship with Willow, maybe we all have a shot at forgiveness)

(the conversation about Amity’s past together ended actually pretty nicely, now the girl was sure that Luz respected homosexuals)

_

Did Amity really come out by text to her crush? Yes.  
Did her crush actually invite her over so they could check items from the list of things to de before dying ?Also yes.

_

Maybe wearing the cutest dress of all wasn’t such a great idea, they were literally going to cook.   
But Luz gave her her sweater. SHE LITERALLY GAVE HER HER SWEATER!!  
(maybe happiness can really be found in the smallest things)

(in the end Luz seemed pleased with the sight of her wearing her garment)

_

In the library the girl never got a big chance to talk about more private things, but at Luz’s house the situation changed entirely!   
They were continuously speakimg, asking each other question with the only aim of getting to know the other better.  
The girls also prepared the food, with as much purpose as they could muster!

_

They ate and they scraped the kitchen clean. Not a stain on sight!  
Amity was very much on edge at the tought of meeting Mrs. Noceda, Luz’s mother. She wanted to give the best impression possible! Who knows what had Luz told about her! Hopefully good things!

“Mi amor! I am back. How was your day?” said Luz’s mother as she stepped inside after her morning shift at work.  
“Oh! Mom ,remember the girl I told you about ? The pretty one that I am doing the science project? “   
(did Luz call her pretty? Did she call her pretty??)  
“Amata, right?” tried saying the woman.  
”MOM! Her name is Amity ! She is very cool and smart and interesting and amazing!”  
“Hello Mrs. Noceda. I am Amity, pleased to meet you. Your daughter has told me so much about you. You seem like an amazing mother. Thank you for gifting the world with an amazing perso-oh sorry that was a little weird” stuttered an Amity as red as a tomato. She didn’t want to give a bad first person. Luz was too important now!  
Camilia was very amused about that little exchange. “Do not worry young girl, my daughter has told me amazing things about you as well, she is really interested in you”   
So yet again Amity was as red as a ripe tomato.

_

For dinner the girls choose to eat pizza, Luz knew a place near her house.

On the way they chatted aimlessly .  
“What is your favourite pizza topping?”  
“Well my parents don’t let me eat such junk food often ,but I like everythin-” was saying Amity before abruptly stopping.  
“Umh? What is it Chiquita?” asked a very confused Luz.  
“Oh Luz. Funny seeing you here. With Amity?” said Willow. She was in the same pizzeria.  
“Oh. Hello Willow.” Answered a very imbarassed Amity. God things were going to be so bad! WILLOW DESPITED HER! She wanted to do better, but was she able to? Would Willow ever forgive her?

While the pizza was being cooked the teens sat at a small table in absolute silence.  
“Willow, how have you been? How are the plants growing?” questioned the brown haired girl ,trying to ease the uncomfortable vibe.  
“Well.. they are growing quiet nicely, for example this one is-“  
Amity couldn’t contain it any more. She couldn’t keep living with this sensation of hate and suffering that sat in her heart. It was too much!  
“SORRY WILLOW” suddenly said Amity.  
“A lot of years have passed , but I am sorry. I know that I did some horrible actions to you, I am sorry for making fun of you. I want to let you know that I don’t mean any of the mean words I told you. I am not asking you to forgive me, but my parents didn’t like your dads. I am sorry for my actions, you don’t have to forgive me ,but I want to amend what I did. I hope one day I will be able to properly apologize.” Continued a very distressed looking Amity. Would any word be able to amend what she did?  
“Ok. I must admit that you seem to make Luz happier, and I suppose .I won’t forgive you yet, but I will tolerate you. If you want a piece of my pizza you could ask, maybe one day I will accept your apology. But.. thank you .We won’t be back to what our eight year old self were, yet I know that your parents are ,honestly speaking, extremely dumb .I hope you aren’t an homophobe or anything, or that you want to hurt Luz!” Answered Willow, with a tone so severe that the Dominican girl almost couldn’t manage to recognize.  
“Yeah… they are stupid, but I love Luz! Wait- like i don’t like love Luz, but like? Ahh” answered a very embarassed Amity, but this time she didn’t care about embarrassing herself, Willow’s small smile valued more than any other word.

Back home the girls changed their clothes into sleep attire. The day hadn’t been all that bad.  
“Luz, I was wondering at which time will your dad come home? Do I have to call him Mr.Noceda?” asked Amity innocently .  
“Umh? I.. well he isn’t here” answered Luz with a strange expression, that the blue haired girl had never seen on her friends face.  
“Oh? Does he work in another country or something ?That sounds so cool!”  
“Amity he won’t come home. He is dead”  
OH GOD.   
_

In the end the conversation processed in a nice way. 

That night Amity realised that every one suffers. She isn’t alone in this.

_

They went for an ice cream, but it rained. It wasn’t a big deal in the end, the girls stood under the umbrella close to each other, it was nice in a way.

_

“So… what do you think?” asks Luz with a very expectant look.  
“Your mom is very nice, I can see where you have taken your amazing look and personality. She also seems very respectful of your choices, sometimes I wish my mom would be like that as well. From the way you spoke about your dad he also seemed very nice, I am sorry that the earth has lost an angel as pure as him.” Answered Amity, while doing articulate hand gestures to explain the point. She really wanted to be important for Luz, in all the time that they spent together death didn’t seem to matter.  
“Actually I was asking about your ice cream mi Chiquita, but thank you for appreciating my amazing looks! You also are incredibly beautiful!” laughed softly Luz.

AMITY WAS SO IMBARESSED! But at least Luz was laughing.

_

The twins made so many questions in the car! They were so noisy! 

_

The girls were going to meet after school, this time they just wanted to hang out.   
A very determined looking Luz appeared.  
“Amity …mi Chiquita…I like you! I can’t contain it anymore!”

_

Now they were girlfriends.

_

It was time to be honest with Luz. She deserved to know the truth.  
“Luz.. I want to be completely honest with you. I am not going to die.”  
“Uh? What do you mean?” asked a very confused looking Luz.  
“Did you know that people with depression who have a strong support system often end up recovering? The simple concept of being less ‘lonely’ is fundamental in feeling better, less sad. In my case I developed it as a child, my parents could have done a better job, but most likely it also was a genetic factor. Depression can also be shown trough anger, by that I am not trying to excuse my horrible past action, my intention is to give you a ‘bigger picture’, so you can understand what I mean. I don’t know when I started suffering from it, I just know that I am diagnosed and all, I am not joking at all, I speak only truth. I spent so many months wishing to die, just wishing not to wake up after a long night of sleep. I despised waking up, knowing that I had to live yet another day, another day of feeling bad ,stuck in my own prison mind. I lived because I wasn’t brave enough as to …you know… end it all. I saw you from afar, I admired you is a better way of putting it. I lived so many cloudy days, and in all of them you were my sun .I know that we have started speaking just recently, but I have always felt drawn to you, to your cute smile in philosophy class… to your physical ability at PE, just to everything that made you …well you. Your smile wasn’t fake, wasn’t forced, it was your smile. Even after having such a bad reputation… you know with the way I treat people… you still saw the good in me, you still liked me. I am not saying that my depression is gone or anything like that, but I see in you a reason to go further, to try my best each day, I want to make you proud, I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I finally have a reason to wake up everyday, I want to be someone worthy of your love”  
“You already are”

_

The science project was very good.

_

The week that followed Mrs.Clwathorne choose Luz to care for the class hamster King. She wasn’t the best with animals so Amity offered to help.  
They looked after the small creature , Willow even offered some tips on the plants that could be healthy for him.   
It felt like a family, in a way. Maybe Luz’s dad was dead, maybe Amity’s parents weren’t always the best, but it was forgettable. There is no way to forget the value of the nice things around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED !!  
> THANKS SO MUCH TO ANYONE THAT HAS READ THIS AND HAS GIVEN ATTENTION !! IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!!  
> This has been such a ride !!! 😭😭


End file.
